Que Sera, Sera...

Algunas vesas la vida me mata. Y unas vesas mi vida es una cosa muy linda.

Otra ves

I don't have much to say, actually I have nothing to say. I have a lot of feelings, I lot of hurt, and a whole lot of experience in this field. I love men, I love to hate them, I love every single piece of them, and they kill me. I love living the life of a couple, love belonging with one other person and being that other persons everything. But everytime I try to get close I end up falling apart, everytime. They always leave so what the fuck is the point of even getting close to another person? If they always leave. Other things always become more important then when it's over, oh hey, you're still here? I guess I'm not mature enough yet to handle all this, I don't think I ever was. Now my true teenager comes out. If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. Just call me Annie, the modern day Coco, and Marilyn reincarnated.

I love listening to a song that takes me back to a moment in time and I feel all those same feelings I felt at that age. I was just listenbing to Good Charlottes' "The Chronicles of Life and Death" and I still remember every lyric, the feeling I felt when I first heard that song and how much I hatet being a kid and my life. They were one of those bands that opened up my eyes after I tried the whole 'fitting in' stage and fuck, they are sure one of the bands I have to thank for becoming who I am today...them and a few selected others.
I never thought I'd be here, live this long, and be this 'grown up'.

Take me Away

I'm such a wreck. I can't help myself. I thought that once I grew up I would stop feeling this way, but it turns out, no, I'm still a mess. People can judge and criticize, they don't listen and they don't see. No one will ever experience the same things as you, therefor I don't expect anyone to ever understand me, I just want people to accept me.


I'm all ears, with open arms. Whenever my friends, Mom, brother and sister, whenever anyone, even strangers want to talkk I listen and give advice. My friends that are woman ask me for advice almost daily and I give it, even if I'm not the most experienced I know much about matters of the heart. I sit and listen, because that's what I would want someone to do for me. And when I need someone most no one is there. If someone asks me "What's wrong?", I'm not going to tell them because the little voice at the back of my head is yelling "THEY DON'T CARE! Once you tell them they're going to use it against you. They'll make fun of you!". People need to be firm with me, and the only person I'm ever honest with is my bff Diana, and then my Mom, they know how to handle me. They make me tell them, and that's what I need. I need to feel vulnerable in order to tell the truth. I need people to make me share, to hold me close and be true.
I have the tough girl exterior but I'm as soft as a marshmallow.Just today I counseled three other woman, two clsoe friends and my Mother. I listened to what they had to say, tried to advise them on what to do, etc. Then once I tried to talk to them about how I felt, I was shot down and they proceeded to talk about random things, instead of asking me how I was doing when I clearly showed an expression to talk.
I don't have anyone to talk to , so I just write everything down. I'm a vulnerable person, all I want to be is loved. I want to get lost and runaway, have no feeling or pain, just leave. I can't help but cry as I'm writing this. I just feel absolutely horrid and for many different reasons.
I got into an arguement with a rude boy yesterday, I have no respect for ANY man who raises his voice in front of a woman or talks to them maliciously. The woman to whom he is speaking to may not say anything due to fear, but I will be damned if I don't say something. I don't do this because I feel the need to pick a fight, I do this because that woman has no voice, and someone needs to speak up for her, if she doesn't herself then I will. And today I got into another arguement,malicious things told to me for no real reason, and all I could do was give her a taste of her own medicine. I then had to wait an hour in the rain at BART. Came home and there was 'no food' to make myself dinner due to the fact that all the vegetables were used to make the meat dishes. So I went to the gas station and bought some sunflower seeds. I told my Mom I was going to order a pizza and she said no, that i'd have to order some for everyone and go pick it up when she refused me from taking the car and nobody wanted to drive me, so I'm hungry, crying, my nose is bleeding, and I'm cold. Take me Away.

Better

I've been feeling a whole lot better after the dreadful week I had. Sometimes people in my life are just so over powering that it's hard for me to get a word in and I just let them take control, something I love! But then I just become someone they think is always there for them, I'm not someones mother, I'm not a kid, and I'm not an adult.
It's just kinda scary the way people go through life and the ordeals we go through to find that one perfect person we are told that are out there for us. I find it strange that we search blindly for someone, and something, that we don't really know exists, or ever existed.
I don't know what I want in life, not career wise, not in my love life, not in my personal life, not in nothing.
I'm a 19 year old with the heart of a widow, mind of a infant, bank account of a bum, and the dreams of a child. I've got nothing to prove but everything to gain.

nanananananana

I feel like kicking someones ass today. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm bored and I want to go for a walk, but I kinda cant, cause it's cold and I don't own any pants >_<
Fuck.
But yeah, I want to go on a walk in the rain just with pants and I don't have any, only dresses and now I'm getting kinda grumpy for the fact that I should be reading about christian churches and their art and I'm just like eghhh, do I REALLLLYY need to know this. Religious art is not something I am going to be inspired by, maybe by Jesus being crucified on the cross, but that's about it. I dunno, I'm in a grumpy mood I guess...actually I know I am.
I feel like I'm all over the place and just need to center my thoughts.
Too many thoughts...I'm thinking about Trevor, about my halloween costume, about why my tummy has been fucked up, my homework, my dress, my cafd class, and for the fact that I have these fat ass hickies on my neck and don't want my family to see them. Shit, if I didn't live at home, i've be proudly showing them off...but I don't think my mom would like to see them.

Anywaysssss. I went on a 'walk' with my bf yesterday in the park and there were bats!! Like flying around, it was so romantic, I was awe struck, what else can a creepy gal like me ask for, oh yeah and there was an uber cute guy by my side too. That also made it pretty great. hmmm, I should get back to work now.

Love love love love love lovvveee

So I just found out that my ex is back with his girlfriend. I don't know if that is one of the major key factors as to why we ended up breaking up but I yeah...I'm sitting here in Starbucks with Allisha, we're both on our laptops and I found this shit out. I was grumpy...then a bit sad, but now I'm over it. But hey it's for the better. I knew he still loved his ex and am glad he is going to be back with her cause that is better for him, and his life. I'm glad and hope he will have a happy life with her.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. But I feel like I need to put my feelings down on a public forum.
Oh well! "boy's will come and boys will go, just like street cars!!!!"

Content and Happy

I have an amazing family, even though I have no father. I have an amazing job, even though I make a bit over minimum wage. And I have a great boyfriend, even though he's waiting for me in a different city.
I've realized to appreciate the silly little things in life. Such as dancing on the beach, sleeping in the woods, or walking after midnight with a dear friend. I've learned that no matter what happens there will always be people there to pick me up from wherever I have fallen. I'm ready to start new, someplace where I can make a name for myself and challenge myself. I'm not happy in a place, or even in a relationship, where everything is perfect and happy. I'm a fighter and I need to constantly be moving and have something to do to feel 'normal'. I need to have people around me that are ready to move, and go with it.

Another funny little thing that people have been finding out about me...I smoke! Not drugs of course, I don't very much like drugs, but cigarettes. I love how people are amazed and astonished when I pull a cigarette out and light it, hahah, the look on their face is priceless.
We all have our poisons, and mine happen to be cigarettes and vodka, yum...

Should I stay or should I go?

It's so hard NOT to be an alcoholic or a whore in a place like this.
There are no museums, no good parks, no interesting people, and no good parties.
I waited to graduate high school so I could be me and hang out with all my friends, now that I have I've found that money is a huge issue, and when it's not money it's transportation.
I feel I've outgrown, and outlived my life here in the Bay Area. My last name is Martinez, I was born in Martinez, and have lived my whole life in Martinez, it's time to spread my wings and fly.
I've met so many countless and beautiful people here, be it at shows, or at school. And I am very blessed to have them in my life. But I know if I don't leave now...or soon that I will be a 20 year old college graduate living at home, and that's not the life I want.
Plus, even though L.A. Fashion isn't my cup of tea, at least there are more desingers and opportunities to intern there.
My decision is not yet set, but I am 75% sure I want to transfer to one of the Southern California campuses.

Love will tear us apart.

When I'm in bed, and about to go to sleep I always think about my day, my life, or just random things that have happened to me.
I couple nights ago I was thinking about my Dad, the fact that the guy I like asked me about him kinda made me think about him.
It has now been over a year since I have seen him, and I don't know if I will ever see him again.
I started to become sad because I remembered all the fun times we had as a family when I was a kid. All the fun camping trips, snow trips, just all the fun things we did in general. I was a Daddy's girl, I did everything with my Dad and I loved him with all my heart. I find myself talking with my Mom about all the great things we did as a family together and how it all ended.

My Dad was there when I graduated high school, although I didn't know it he was there watching me. Then after when I was laughing with my friends and taking photos with my family he came over ang hugged me, completely breaking me down till I was uncontrollably crying.
That was the last time I saw him. He will always be my father, and he will always be married to my Mom...and I know that one day when I'm older my parents will get back together, because after all they DO love each other even after all that happened.

The Fear

Lately the fear has been getting to me.
I don't know what to do.
For those of you who do not know, 'the fear' is what I call my feelings.
They are a roller coaster of emotions that take over, and every once in a while they drive me up the wall insane.

Lately, as none of you know, my dream in life is to be a housewife.
I want to be married, live in a tiny cozy shack with the man of my dreams and start my life.
While he's out, I would make clothes and designs and when he got home we would have dinner together and go on walks at night.
Talk till we have nothing more to talk about.
I think I want this to have some stability in life. I don't feel like I have a good foothold on life at the moment. It is way to unpredictable, and for once in my life, I don't want that.
I have never truly embraced my femininity. I have always been a tom boy or a little goth girl.
But for the past while, a year or two, I have worn nothing but dresses and I now over 1/2 of my closet is all vintage dresses from the 30's-60's further making me want to have the american dream.

I just want to live a simple life.
With a simple man.
And live in a house with our simple pets.
And simply feel love and adored.

Addict

It takes me a good 15 minutes to end a compulsive feeling.
Like I'm sitting somewhere, be it in my house, the park, or my favorite cafe and I'm like 'Shit, I really want to hang out with ______". But I know I should not, be it because last time we hung out something went down, or someone did.
I HAVE AN ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY!
Be it I will only eat garnola and yogurt for a week.
I will not stop after five drinks.
I can never smoke just one cigarette.
I can never do just one sketch.
I will never buy just one dress.

My name is Angelica and I am addicted to love.

It's All That You Can Do

I depend on others too much.
Words can be said, but proving them to be correct is the hard part.
I don’t have the will power to let you go.

I remember listening to ‘Be Yourself’ by Audioslave in junior high, those were the worse years of my life.
I was made fun of, teased, and I just wanted to die.
The people I thought were my friends teased me, about anything and everything.

“To be yourself is all that you can do”

That was my mantra.
The other day I heard that song and tears just started flowing, and I couldn’t stop.
The emotions of my younger years came back.
I remember looking up at the beautiful people, the musicians and artists…and wishing I was one of them.
I never really fit in, or had a place…I still feel like I don’t.
I’m a fashion design student, who listen to metal, punk, and doo-wop. I wear granny cardigans that I find at goodwill, wear vintage dresses from the 40’s while wearing a leather studded jacket and oxford shoes.

I don’t fit in and I don’t try to stick out.

Deep down I still cry and feel bad that I don’t fit in or look like everyone else.
I have yet to find a companion who loves me for who I am, and I doubt I ever will. I’m more complicated than anyone could ever imagine and more woman than any man can handle.


(Photo from a week ago. After a long night.)

People are strange

I love hearing songs that makes you curl your toes and gives you that tingly feeling going up your back.
Music that can change your mood and provoke a feeling is so special.
Only dark music can do that.
Only the truly lost and misunderstood could ever understand this feeling.
Only they have ever experienced it and can say without a doubt "I know what you mean".
You know you meet an individual like this because when you mention it to them they get a wicked grin and a twinkle in their eye.

Ocean

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Hold on there buddy!!
WHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAT IN THE WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRLLLLLLLLLDDDDD!
*PAUSE*

Life is moving wayy to fast. I can't get a steady foothold and feel like I'm going to crash!
It's one of those times I want to choke myself in order to just pass out.
I'm listening to Sonny and his music seems to be numbing enough to be able to write this.
I have to stop every few seconds and get myself in check though.
I'm like involunatrily convulsing.
Too many thoughts, ideas, and feelings in my head.
I swear, why do I have to be sooo complicated?
I know of no one else who deals with life the way I do. It's so strange, when I feel bad, I just dance, crank up the music, and ignore everything.
Is it pain, heartache, over-work, longing, missing?
Someone take me up to the hill, late at night, crank up the music and dance around the fire until the sun comes up.
COM-PLI-CAT-ED!

"Brings me to my knees, brings me closer"

Jeez. I just want to go to hippie hill and lie in the grass, smoke my cigarettes, and drink myself to sleep.
Drinking doesn't make me nubm, it makes me normal, it calms me down.
I am wayy to hyperactive of a person, and at any moment of any day at every second, my mind is going 1,000,000,000 miles a minute.

When I'm with my love it goes twice as fast as normal, and she knows it...I think it scares her.
And when I'm with my lust, it slows me down to a vegitated state.
...I swear...extremes...I'm extremes.

tada!

Goodness Gosh!
No one, except for a few other ladies and gentleman, know how much I truly miss FIDM! I could never have imagined that I would actually miss going to school, I miss being busy, having a lack of sleep, waking up before the crack of down, and coming home when it's dark.
Every quarter I feel more and more blessed to be able to go to FIDM, and to have gained the friendships I know have. Everyone, the students, the teachers, the atmosphere, it is all amazing.

This whole break so far I have been re-inventing myself without evern realizing it.
I have taken out my plugs, have cut a large majority of my hair off, whitenend my teeth, re-done my eyebrows, and have gotten a completey new wardrobe!
This 'change' is long over due.
I am so happy right now, words cannot even describe.
A large majority of the mornings I wake up, drive down to the Marina (Yes! I AM DRIVING!), and go on a long walk.
I then come home, get dressed and clean the house. After that I watch Bewitched and I Dream of Jennie after which I take my two doggies on a walk.
This may not sound like a lot, put after a long day I feel very fulfilled.
I am re-thinking the idea of being a housewife and getting married.
I have never wanted to be a housewife and I sure as hell have never wanted to get married, but lately I have been considering it and even had a long conversation with min kjaere about it.
He believe is is the fact that I have grown up and am getting my priorities straight that it is only a part of life that my opinions on certain situations change.
He's a sweetheart, if only I loved him like he says he loves me.
I would marry him in a heartbeat! But as I well know, I already know who the love of my life is, and I will not settle for anyone but him.

I am currently also re-reading 'Cheap Diamonds' and amazing book that I always love to read.
Oh! And I also hav a job interview tomorrow! It's at the Union Square Macy's! How exciting! That Macy's is so beautiful and grand, I know I would enjoy working there, hopefully they hire me and I can have a steady job :)
Goodness knows I need the money, and maybe, just maybe, if I work full time this whole break I can save up enough money for a down payment for an apartment in the city.
haha, I girl can dream can't she!
I will know end this blog with a few pictures I took this past week.

Toodles!
Annie

Oh Lordy Lordy!!

Sometimes I find it so hard to try and ignore people!
Their ignorance and not understanding of a situation angers me because they insist that what they say is true when they know nothing of the situation.
oh lord!
I try not to judge people when I don't know them, and I don't make assumptions on things I do not know about. I have not always been like this but once I was faced with a multitude of people that live like this I knew I had to make a change.
I do not want to be ignorant or self-absorbed. No one will ever know how someone else feels in a situation unless they themselves have been through it, and that is why I no longer judge people.

I forgive and accept people apologizes when I recieve then because that is what a well mannered young lady does. I have finally realized what kind of woman I want to be and am making the right decisions. As a child I took etiquette lessons and HATED them, but now I am glad I took them because I know a handful of little tid-bits that make me a better person. I also apologize to others when I have done something wrong because I do not want to be known as a rude or mean person, because I am not.
I like people to come to me when there is a problem or when a situation has risen because that is what I do, it may take me a bit of time to put myself together so that I don't say things I will later regret, but I always confront people.

Lately I have felt very happy and content with my life.

Vinchic

My new obsession is anything and everything beautiful and classy.
I feel in a time like this, were there is little money and problems in the world, it is time for people to be recession chic.

I take advantage of the days my family gets off and we go out for lunches and a bit of light shopping.
I find vintage items to be so much better than new items because they have a story behind them and an individual feeling.
I know that I am the only, or one of few, who have such an item and that makes me feel so special!
The fact that I by items that are one of a kind is so amazing to me.

In my life I have always tried to fit in and not stand out so much.
I was a very quiet child and during my final year of high school I branched out and took charge of my life.
I wore dresses to school, and heels!
I decided I wouldn't give a damn whether or not anyone liked how I dressed. I wasn't dressing in designer clothing, I didn't shop at the mall.
Instead I would shop thrifty and found items I thought were nice and beautiful.

But upon entering FIDM I started buying Vintage and Thrift clothing, now after I have finished my first year of college I find over 50% of my clothing articles to be thrifted!

Old Lady Chic

This past week since I have finished my first year at FIDM has been very rewarding and exciting!
I have done quite a bit of shopping, and have gained some wonderful wardrobe pieces.
My Mother describes my fashion style as, and I quote "Old-Lady Chic".
I find it quite amusing that she think so, because I just think I loof fancy and classy!
None the less she likes coming shopping with me and is one of my best buddies, so I have no problem being Mommies Little Monster.
And to her suprise, I also have a french manicure!
She just laughs and gives me a look everytime I 'change'.
I don't really think I am changing...rather I am growing up and becoming the person I am meant to be.

Oh! And I also took out my plugs.
I am quite happy with the decision. After 5 years of having them I just feel I am not the same person I was when I began the experience.
When I was a kid I wanted them because they looked really interesting and wild! Then I put meaning and thought behind why I was doing them.
But I have know found better ways to express myself, threrfor after a lond dileberation, I took them out.
It has been 3 days and they are still 'shrinking'. It will take a couple weeks for the whole to lessen but it will still be quite large. No matter though, I never want them to fully disappear because they are part of my history and who I am.

From my shopping experiences I have gained two hats, a floral handbag, a sweater shirt garment, and a Velvet Coat thing.
I am quite proud of my items and can't wait to wear them.
The hats have been worn quite a lot.
Someone ask me on a fancy date so I can wear them!! Lunch & Tea PLEASE!!

They look like crap on a hanger, but look amazing on! If I didn't feel so crappy I would take better photos...oh well!

Just call me Vivienne

SOOOO I have been discussing with my Mother for the longest time about me going to Guatemala for my quarter off from school.
And today, after she picked me up from bart she discussed it with me and said if I really wanted to go then we would go get my passport renewed this Saturday!
I am EXTATIC!!!
It's been too long since I've been there and I miss my Grandmother and Aunts!
They are all so amazing and sweet I cannot wait!

Last time my Grandmother came she took a bagfull of my accesories and now it's my turn to scavage through her closet, hahah.
She has beautiful jewelry and coats that I would love to get my mits on and am excited to see my aunts again!
They are the cutest little ladies imaginable, it is truly hard to be a lady in this modern world and they manage to.
I look up to them, and their lifestyle very much I wish to be at least a tiny bit like them.

I found out that my Mother was influenced by my sister to not let me go to Guatemala. Apparently I dress tres outrageously and she is afraid I will be held for ransom or something! Like seriously, she told my Mother that I wear too much designer clothing and handbags and the fact that I do so will get me unwanted attention.
Like good gracious! I don't wear Gucci, Dolce, Balenciaga, or high end clothing like that! Half the time people don't realize I am even wearing designer garb!
OH! And my Betsey and Chanel bags, supposably they are too flashy...seriously?

Oh well, that's old news.
I am going to Guatemala!!

And the sun will begin to set.

Why oh why does this photo look so familiar?
Images and moments frozen in time and in our memory is all I can say.

All I can say, and one thing I am very thankful for, is my mothers knack for saving and thrifting.
As I child I used to hate going shopping and hating anything involved with clothing.
But after all these years my mother has gained a large amoung of thrift and vintage clothing.
My entire wardrobe seems to be second hand and some of the most beautiful pieces I have seen, and I am sooo proud to own them >_<
I was feeling extra inspired today and looked through this big bag of clothing behind my mothers bed and found a Ralph Lauren skirt, sailor inspired, an old (yet very new) Banana Republic jacket, and some simple black dress pants.
I dunno know, but I feel very fashionable!!!
And very grateful for my mother and her hording habits
:D

Common Reaction

Of all the gin joints in all the world, you just had to walk into the one I was at?
Why the fuck does this always happen?

And that’s the day everything changed.

It’s a sunny day and everything feels so perfect.
I love my mother for putting up with my crazy fashion sense and my constant need for vintage crap.
We woke up early this morning to take my boots to the Cordonnier to get them fixed because they were supposedly! Going to tear. She insisted on me getting them fixed since they cost me 200 smackaroos way back when. If you ask me, the best 200 I have ever spent.
We went to all of these quaint little antique stores where we looked through cases and cases of jewelry and racks of faux vintage clothing, fake poo if you ask me.
But I did find a few accessories I did like. A hand painted German brooch from 1920, a 1940’s hair brooch, and two 1960 hair thingies, hahah.
Well I know sit here, writing and listening to some indie music….
My mood has been pretty bleek the past few days.
I have been reminiscing a lot lately, every time I hit a mile stone in life I get like this, I kind of hate it and love it, but it makes people think I’m having an emotional breakdown or something when I’m really just trying to get my thoughts and life together.

I keep getting hit-on and asked out on dates from these boys who have no similar interests of me.
I’m sorry but I first like to be friends with a person before I get into a relationship or go out with them.
The boys who tend to ask me out are ‘normal’ and they dress in clothing bought at the mall.
WTF? Do I look like the kind of girl who listens to Rap and likes wearing clothes bought at Forever 21? UMMM NOOO! You can tell a lot about a person based on their appearance and how they hold themselves.

At the moment I feel like no guy is worth my time.
Today I was veryy attracted to the man at the Cordonnier shop, I think the fact that he made things with his hands and could create such beautiful things with a textile is what attracted me to him.
I like men who can fend for themselves and who work with their hands, who aren’t afraid to get dirty.
I will never again be with someone who doesn’t work in a profession where they do not work with their hands.
A mans man is my kind of person.
I like to be around creative people, all of my friends by them man or woman all are inspiring.
They are artists, craftsman, designers, painters, sketch artists, chefs, car detailers, etc.
I’m sorry but for you to be attractive to me you have to have a thought in your head and not a card in your pocket.

Betsey Johnson was married three times, and divorced all her husbands.
All three were artists and she said she supported them and loved to be with them because they were all so creative, she had to leave them because she realized she was living not for herself but for them.
All her money went to their art, and she spent her time caring for them.
I’m a nurturer.
I love animals, I feed, bathe, play, and live with my animals, I care for them as if they were my children just as I care for the person I am in a relationship with.

I want to fall asleep with the love of my life running his hands through my hair while I drag my hands across his back.

Night Sky Brings Evil Things To Light

I just spent the last 1 1/2 hours sitting in my tub listening to the water drain.
I was thinking...
pondering...
wondering...
examining my life in a whole.

I ask myself, "Am I too young for this?", I am an eighteen year old girl who in one week will have experienced everything she has never dreamed of.
As a child I never dreamed of being a fashion designer, I have never liked fashion or been 'in' with the cool crowd, I have never been in a crowd PERIOD.
I have never had a group of friends who cared about me, or knew who I really was.
I have never been welcomed, or understood by adults or my peers.
I have never been wanted.

The more I sit in think, the more I wonder how I could have accomplished all of this.
I have met everyone I have ever idolized, I have everything I could ever want or need, I have a loving mother, brother, and sister, and I attend a private college that I was actually accepted into.
Why the hell do I deserve this.
Out of all the people in the world, why do I get to live this life?

As the water slowly trickled out of the tub, and into the drain I also thought about my future and what I want to achieve.
From the get-go all I have ever wanted to do was be happy, and make my mother proud.
So far I have lived up to both of my hopes.
When my friends and I talk about kids, I always say I don't want any...which I don't.
I also never want to live to be old or elderly.
I want someone to love and to care for me.
I am eighteen and have experienced what I believe to be love and threw it away.
As I sat in the tub I imagined living in a small home of my own with my 'husband' and seeing him walk into the bathroom and see me sitting there and ask me "Are you okay?", I imagined the man I first fell in love with.
In this vision I was not tattoed, or pierced...neither was he.
I think, am I in a faze where I like that or is this who I truly am.


I want someone that understands me and knows me.
Who will know when I am sad or mad, and try to make me feel better.
Who will light my cigarette without being prompted, or hand me a drink before I ask.
I want to have the perfect relationship that I know I can have if I only settle down and stop lying.
I have never been a good girlfriend, I have never been able to make a real commitment.

I'm drunk I suppose

There is a band that has shaped me in every capable way I can imagine, it has affected and effected my life that I would not be the person I am without them.
One day I want to have the effect they have on me, on other people. I want to be able to inspire others and push them to chase their dreams and do the impossible.
This band has been with me for a little more than a 8 years now, and I still love them and feel the same I have fealt the first time I heard them.
They were the second of my 'introductory' bands I am still loyal to to this day.
There is not one song of there's that I do not have a memory too or an emotional or physical reaction.
Without their influence in my life I would have never met my best friend, learned to deal with the bullies who constantly taunted and made fun of me, or the fact that I was plain different.
With their last cd being a concept album their costumes ignited an interest in fashion for me.
I learned that clothing can stand for something and can reveal hidden messages.
This being one of the things that affected me attending FIDM and the start to my fashion design experience.
Music and Clothing that can burn a flame under you and evoke a feeling and emotion are few and far apart.


My Epitaph will read; Here lays the grrl that conquered the world with a needle and thread in one hand and a record in the other bruised and black stub. With a cigarette hanging off her chapped lips she ignited a fire under the thousands and to stand in front of the black parade.

Ridiculous

Sometimes my thoughts get away from me and I imagine scenarios and opportunities in my head that have not happened yet, but they prepare me for what is to come...so I guess it's not such a bad thing that I live in my head a lot
I have deja vu a lot too, at least three times a day. I was telling one of my friends at school about it and they told me that when one has deja vu it means that they are following the correct path in life. That makes me happy, because it often happens at school, meaning I am meant to be there and I have something to achieve and to give to the fashion industry.

I feel like I have evolved into a much better person in the past year since I have graduated high school. I often think back onto high school and realize what a wreck it was. Public high schools are garbage, and it's no wonder I wanted to be home schooled instead. But I think it was good on my moms part not to take me out of Alhambra because I can't always take the easy way out of situations, and it taught me not too.

FIDM has been quite hectic lately. This quarter has been one of the hardest by far, having to make a pattern for a dress and sew it every week is pretty tough, especially since it's more like two garments.
But my friends have been making it easier to handle :)
I definetely believe that my type of 'hands-on' schooling is harder than academic schools. If you don't do your work in an academic class no one but the teacher will know, but if you don't do it in pattern drafting class everyone will know because you will be the only one without a garment.
Fashion school is really hard, but I enjoy every second of it.
I'm almost done with my first year, only three more weeks! I'm soooo proud of myself, I never thought I'd get this far in life at such a young age.
Most of my friends aren't even in college yet, they've just been in hiatus since graduating.
I didn't even get a summer, I had less than two weeks of vacation before I started FIDM. I'm not sad about it because I know I made a great decision, I just don't feel like an 18 year old, I feel a lot older.

I just laugh and smile at the kind of person I was and still am.
Of course I have changed...but it's all for the better.
As long as I'm happy with the person I am that is all that matters.
People will always talk about me, and wont always like the decisions I make, but as long as it works for me you should all be happy for me.

I find that people sometimes take their friends for granted because they feel they are leaving them behind. But real friends will never leave you behind, and if they do you will realize that your friendship was really never meant to be.

I try not to say bad things, I actually haven't said anything malicious about any of my friends in the past two months and I am very proud of that. I still cuss though, but not as much as I used to.

I was looking at my music collection the other day and realized it is very strange, I have a fall out boy cd next to a blaqk Audio cd and a Lost Alone ep, hahaha.
My life is ridiculous.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

I will never lose faith, and I will never lose love.
My friends will always be my closest enemies, at one point or another we always attack each other...many times without reason.
As humans we are all utter contradictions and hypocrits.
We will always lie, we will always hurt each other, and we will always abuse.

I have never thought myself to be someone who takes advantage of people, I have never taken anything from anyone without a price and I have never needed the help of someone outside of my immediate family.
I was brought up to stand up on my own two feet, and never look back.
I was taught to help those in need, and give them what they were in need of.
But when friends can't face the truth and are persuaded by their 'family and friends' it's a hopeless cause.

I'm not a perfect person and I make a lot of mistakes, but in my heart I know that I have more hope than anyone around me.
I want to help people, but sometimes I can't.

Some think that just because they are young they should party, drink, and do drugs.
Live fast, die young right?
I can't help but feel sad for those people.
I choose to live my life to the fullest, I will occasionally drink and go to get together and parties but it is not an everyday thing.
There have been a few moments in my life where I have been one of 'them', but those moments taught me that it wasn't me.
I'm the kind of person that likes to laugh and dance at my own accord, I don't want or like to be controlled either by a person or a drug.
The past few statements people might bring up moments were I have been one of 'them'.
Yes I have been drunk, but when I was and in high school, and unaware of the person I wanted to be.
Yes I have been drunk to the moment that I became sick, it happened once, and I learned my limit.
I did have an edible, and I do regret it. I did it because it tainted my clean slate and did nothing for me. I would have been much happier without it.
I am not a promiscuous person, I have morals. I don't have sexual escapades, I don't make out with people while drunk or in public, I don't kiss strangers, and I don't grind up on people while dancing.
I try not to do things I would not do in front of my family.
I am an example of what my mother taught me.
My mother did not teach me to have sex outside of wedlock, she did not teach me to make-out in public, she taught me that no one will have respect for me if I did not respect myself.
She told me that people will talk, but never give them reason to slander my name.
I will never belong to a man.
I will never have a ring on my finger.
And no man, unless I am married, will ever say that they had me or I was at any moment theirs.
No man will ever have me.

Most of my friends on the other hand, drink weekly, do drugs daily, and do things I will never do.
But that does not mean I don't love them or have respect for them.
What they do works for them and their lifestyle, and I have no right to judge them.
I am happy that they are happy and all I can hope for is that they are safe.

I have lost many friends, because of my decisions.
There are certain things I will not partake in and will never do.
And for those reasons they believe me to be a different person from who they thought I was, but in the contrary, I just make better decisions and have grown up from the moment they had met me until now.

I like writing these 'blogs' because it gives people some insight onto who I am. Sometimes my ideas offend people because they feel directly targeted by what I say then try to start an internet war with me by talking bad about me and talking slander. I do not mean to offend people, my only purpose by writing is to put my thoughts down in words where I can see them and in years to come I can hopefully look back and see the kind of person I was and how I have grown.
If you are offended by anything I wrote please talk to me about it, via by phone, internet, or preferably in person.
But please do not try to start a fight. Because I am better than having someone try to dispute my feelings and bring me down, I have learned.

Look at the stars

How can wonderland be so disgusting.
The bay area has been my playground my whole life and I finally feel like I'm starting to truly discover it.
I spent my childhood cradled and being taken care of by my parents, and until now.
Until I turned 18,and graduated high school, I have been free and able to make my own choices. In the past few months I have made choices that have taught me both the good and the bad in life, who I can trust and who I cannot.
I have learned that I have quite a low alcohol tolerance, that I never want to do drugs, and that I have a natural high and happiness that allows me to enjoy myself without the help of any substance.
That two friends, can grind and hurt each other to the point that they are non-existant.
Space is not important, if you truly care for someone you will never let them go or take no for an answer.

Life of a Fashion Design Student

I spend most of my days alone in my room/studio doing homework.
Sewing, drafting, draping, sketching, coloring, etc!
Researching Art, looking at ancient ways of dress and learning nonsense I will never have use for.

So 75% of my week is spent at school doing work, or being at home doing homework.
Commuting from school back home in the far off region of the east bay takes up 10% of my time, a total of 6 hours a week, or more if I go to labs.
Meaning I spend $30+ a week on commute not counting gas.
10% of my time is spent eating, sleeping, pooping, cleaning my house, etc.
And that leaves me with 10% of time to go out and have fun.
To be honest, I hate going out now. Because it takes me ages to recover from a night out on the town, I hate waisting money when I can spend it more wisely.
Oh! And I have no time for a job, so I'm pretty off mooching of my Mom.
I'm eighteen, living at home, doing side work to make cash, and broke as hell.

I just love my life.
In all honesty, I ADORE MY LIFE!
Why? Because life isn't going to be easy on you, I like stress, I feed of anger, and live on zero time.
I'm constantly busy, and doing something, being with someone, whatever!!

I can't say how much I adore going to school everyday.
I have met some of the most beautiful people ever, with the biggest hearts, and endless imagination.
My fellow peers are the few that understand the amount of pressure and stress that go into out studies, it's crazy.
The ladies are losing their hair, pulling it out, falling out, getting it pulled out.
Stress, fights, you name it, it's happened.
The most hardcore kids I have met have been fashion design students.
They are Hardcore cause they have something to prove.
We will tear you apart, and prove we're the best.

This is my school, and I love everything about it.
The teachers are amazing, the students are beyond words, and yeah point blank we're better than you :)

IDGAF

I find myself constantly inspired by people who stand by their beliefs and who aren't afraid of being judged.
I love people who stand apart from the crowd, with their middle finger raised and a smirk on their face.
Old school glamour, and dirty dirty punks inspire me.
I love doo wop music, rockabilly, and punk. I live for beauty, that screams for attention and clothiing that tears at the seams, be it old and frayed, or tight as tight can be.

SIck Of It All:
"Let's celebrate that we don't care
Let's celebrate that we don't give a fuck
With a middle finger high in the air"

I like people who refuse to conform.
Those who don't give a care in the world to how people percieve them as long as they have a family standing behind them.
People who stand for something and will not let their belifs fall to the side give me hope for a better future.

Agnostic Front:
"We always stuck together
We always had something to prove
We gave birth to a movement
This is for the old school and the new!"

I Am In Love

I feel it needs to be said.
I love and adore the sheer fact that I can make beautiful things, while meeting beautiful people, in a beautiful magical place... while constantly being under the eyes of naysayer's.

I never intended my life to be like this, somehow I just ended up here.
I walk without direction.
I happen to have an endless amount of time to think and ponder back on my life. I am only 18, but I feel that if I died tomorrow I would have lived a full and happy life.

I have changed and morphed into the being you see today. I have been shaped and molded to be the person I am, and I am content with it.
I look at the world around me and see girls starving themselves to be 'pretty' and not being happy with who they are and what they look like.
I was brought up to love myself, my body, and to respect who I am.
Therefore I think thoughtfully and clearly about what I do to my body.
I look in the mirror and am happy with what I see.
I don't think I'm fat, even though you may think so.
I know I'm not skinny, even if you don't like it.
and I adore my clothing and style, even if you hate it.
I am perfectly happy.

Once upon a time I lived, I breathed, and I dreamt in a world of fantasy. Before I knew it, I became the very fantasy I desired.
They tell me I'm crazy, eccentric, and out of my mind...maybe I am but what does it matter.
I look in the mirror and the possibilities are endless, the ocean beckones for more.

Beautiful words from beautiful people escaping their beautiful lips inspire beautiful garments.
Beautiful people with troubled minds and troubled thoughts spew trouble and filthy lies.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I am not who you think I am...I am much, much, more.
I dream in soft bright colors where thoughts are heard and voices silenced.

Gives Me Hope

Love gives me hope.
The selflessness of humans and our compassion for each other astonishes me in ways I will never understand.
It inspires me to be a better human being and pushes me to strive for perfection, an impossible goal, but that won't stop me.

I'm probably one of the luckiest girls in the world.
My life has been turned upside down, inside out, and topsy turvy, and I'm still here!
People may judge me, they may criticize me, but I know my life is ten times better than theres.Why?
Because I have a loving family that would do anything for me, and selfless friends who without even knowing it make my day.
I have learned more in the past year than I did during my whole high school career.
Just because you think you know somebody doesn't mean they know you.
Just because you meet a stranger, it doesn't meet your not friends.
And if you have a dollar to spare, give it to someone who needs it because wouldn't you want a dollar when you have no money?

I will always be there for all my friends, even if they hurt me, made me cry, or talked behind my back.
I was raised to see the good in people, and forgive those who have done bad in my eyes.
I'm a thoughtful person who cares about everyone and everything.
That is one of the reasons why many of the animals I have are disabled and why I am a vegitarian, I care about creatures who have no voice.

I have a heart of gold, something many will never see unless they need a favor.
On a couple of occasions I have given my friends cash for food when they had none, bought strangers BART tickets when they lost theirs, and given elderly people my seat when not a man would stand up. I don't claim to be a better person than others, I just make better choices.

Sometimes I sit in bed and think of the times my mother, brother, sister, and I went though our hardship. Less than a year and a half ago, we barely had enough money to buy food, at times we had no food other than beans and rice.
And now, my sister moved to Davis, I'm going to a private college, and my brother is a jock in high school.
My mom looks at us and is so proud at the way she raised us.
We are loyal, hardworking, young adults.
We each have out faults...especially me.
But she knows she has instilled in my the knowledge to make good choices and lead a great life.
One day I will give my mother everything her heart desires, I will give her everything I have because that's just what she has given me.
She has given me, my brother, and my sister everything she has.

Sometimes when it's cold outside, I feel like wearing jeans...but then I remember I only own one pair and they are torn and faded.
The little voice inside my head screams, "I'm a Lady!" and I remember that beauty is pain and I must suffer for my art.

Even right now, when I am sick with a fever and a stuffy nose, I will do my hair and make-up before I leave my house.
My grandmother, a 71 year old woman, will not leave her room until she is dressed and done up, even when she has nowhere to go.
A lady must always look her best because heaven knows who will come to the door or who you will meet.
Never give a bad first impression, and always know your standards.

"People care about people who care about themselves"

I can't wait to see my Grandma!!
I get to see her when this quarter ends, I'm leaving the counrty and going to Guatemala to stay with her for a month!
SOOOOOOO EXCCCIITTTEEED!
I love Guatemala, it's one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen.




My family there is amazing.
I remember the first time I went to Antigua, it was the most exotic place I had ever been to, the monastaries there are beautiful and the cemetaries are to die for!

I can't wait to experience it again as an adult :D

Real eyes realize real lies.

Well HELLO THERE! This blog really has no purpose, I just need to waste some time and think out loud. Boredom is a weakness of the mind so I decided to do something about it and write, hahaha


There are so many things I wish I could say to people but don't have the power to.
Not because I'm scared or intimidated, but because I don't want to hurt people.
I believe you should treat others like you want to be treated, I may not have always done that in the past but from now on I am making it a point to do so.

"It seems funny that I have to explain myself for every comment I make.
I don't believe I have to, but others think that I do.
So whatever, I don't really give a rats ass."

I have a Chanel ring on my left hand, and a swarobski crystal flower on the right.

I always used to think I never wanted to grow up.
I was Wendy looking for Peter Pan, but I recently discovered that growing up really isn't that bad.
Growing up means you are changing and evolving in a greater human being.
We must learn to walk before we run.
As children we experience the world thru innocent eyes.
We then learn the ropes, and begin to make choices.
We evolve and grow, hopefully into better beings, but not all of us.

I have learned that I grow up a lot quicker than other people.
As living and growing beings we go through differnt changes in life that push us further and further to the end.
Life is what we make it, we can either waste it away or take hold of the reins and make our own choices.

Today, millions and trillions of thoughts are going through my head:

-I wish he was still in my life, I should have forgiven him for what he did, yet I don't. In the end I know he will always be here for me when I need him most. He's the only one that has always been truthful and there for me, he's been the kindest yet harshest person to me. I really don't know.

-I am not easily influenced by the thoughts and views of others, I wish they were stronger and realized what their other friends were doing to them.

-Thanks for taking so much interest in me fuckers! Keep talking cause you're only making yourself look immature.

-We were so good friends, I should really hang out with them soon.

-Cassie is soo sweet.

-I wish people wouldn't be so rude.



Thrift Shopping was lame! No good items and too many people all around, and crazy creepy pervs. Being sick didn't help either.
I better be healthier by Tuesday...I hope I am.

Dear World,

I have faced hardships and ordeal that you could never imagine; I have witnessed three people die before my eyes, have been persecuted for my religion, was sexually assaulted, and have witnessed a gun put to my mothers head and almost witnessed her being murdered.

This of course, is none of your business, I never intended to share this part of myself with any of you.
But I feel it needs to be said since I few close friends consider my feelings to be insincere.
(Please note that I did not put the word 'friends' in parantheses in the above stated sentence, cause everyone I care for is a friend of mine and will always be.)

At times I may act different, or unlike myself.
But in reality, how do any of you know who 'I' am when I myself don't even know.
As a human being I am constantly changing and addapting to my surroundings.
If I were to say that I did not change, I would be lying.

In certain situations I am uncomfortable, such as in big groups.
Why am I uncomfortable? Well becauseIi feel I am being constantly judged in big groups of people, there are too many things going on at once, and I am unable to comprehend what is going on.
I have social phobia when it comes to close contact with large groups of people I know nothing about or have anything in common with.

I do not understand why I need to justify my feelings, emotions, and actions to any of you!

I am who I am, and if you believe me to be 'fake' then go ahead and believe that.
But in reality you are the one judging people when I am trying to learn and understand myself.
You talk, talk, talk when in reality you have nothing important to say.
You talk to hear yourself speak, and judge in order to take attention of yourself, hoping and wishing they will not notice you and point out your flaws.

There are two parts of me: there is Annie and Angelica. I have two different personas, two alter ego's.
The only other person that knows my life story and why I seperate my life into two parts, is my best friend, and she is the only one who well ever truly understand what I have gone through.
Angelica is the girl who was teased as a little girl, who was told she was 'stupid' by her math teacher, called fat by her first boyfriend, who learned to be a wallflower instead of a rose.
Annie is the girl who came out of Angelica. She learned from Angelica's mistakes and is the creative being that attends FIDM and intends to accomplish more.
At times I go back to the vegetative state that was Angelica.
That is why I prefer to be called Annie.

I am a wreck, a ball of emotion.
I either want to die, or live forever.
My life is full of extremes, I love or I hate, I laugh or I cry.

I am constantly thinking, hoping, wishing, creating.
I write to let my thoughts run wild, they are a way for me to fully understand what I am going thru and what I am thinking.
It is my real life pensieve.

I have nothing to prove, because I know in my heart that I am a geniune person.
I know who I am and do not have to ever second guess myself.
I am Annie.
I am the girl you confide in, the person you had a crush on, the one who spent all night listening to your feelings, the only other person that will be there when your world goes to hell.

The life I have experienced has shaped me, and damn you if you don't understand.
If you have seen the things I have seen you would guard yourself and your emotions from the world too, but instead I make them public.
I let the world see my life from my eyes, by writing, and creating.
If you want to know more about me, or my 'real' emotions then read my blogs:
theoneandonlyannie.blogspot.com
and
myspace.com/xmorbidlyxromantic.

None of you will ever understand, but I hope this helps.

Non-Sense

There are a few things I just love to love.
Like sitting in Union Square watching the strangers go by, or being completely and utterly emerced in the music at a concert.
Or the feeling of complete infatuation at the beginning of an amazing relationship.

I have been walking all over the place, taking trains, buses, raliroads all over the place! And walking like I never have before.
I like walking it gives me time to think and admire the world, even if I do get rude remarks by men!
It seems like there are all these creepers and older folks that have issues with what I wear. Cause I am constantly getting mean looks!! it annoys me, but there is nothing I can do about it.

Where have all the good people gone, a large part of me constantly changes, but deep down I will always be that fuckin' little 13 year old girl that lives to go to shows, and believes that music can change the world.
The day I lose that part of myself, is the day life has no purpose and all beauty has left the world.

I'm obsessed with the mess.
I love glitz, glamour, dirt, and filth.
I like it when my make-up smudges and I am constantly wearing black.
But you will never see me without blush and glitter on my face, and in heels!
Weather it be high heeled boots, patent leather combat boots, or sequined mess of a shoe.
It takes a strong personality to keep me in check.
My current boyfriend, is a blast from the past, while dating my o.t.l. I was dating him too.
I like sweet men, but I also need someone to be there telling me to calm the fuck down and that I am over-reacting.
I'm not the type of girl that likes to hold hands and go to the mall.
I often get into arguements and need someone there holding me back, I will hold your jacket while you go into the pit, and I would spend days lying in bed with you.
I will cook you breakfest and dress you up.
We would be King and Queen of out own little wonderland, and give each other little stares from opposite sides of the room.
You will stare at me getting rady to go out, and hold my hair while I vomit, and kiss me when I'm crying.
I just want to be HAPPY!
I have been happy for the past, three weeks now, but I know he is getting tired of me and my antics.
I try to get close but honey you keep pushing me away.

Truth be Told

I am rude, crude, heartless, and don't know how to express my feelings.
I know, I'm a wreck.
I spend a lot of time alone, thinking, working, day-dreaming; about situations and stuff of the sort.
I write...a lot!
That is the only way I can truly express my feelings cause I am too overly emotional and sometimes have manic fits of anger, rage, or sadness.
I'm usually wayy happy and over the top, mainly because I try to make people happy, and by making them happy it makes me happy, and happiness is all that matters in life, that and love.
I back track a lot and talk when I shouldn't, it's one of my many faults.
I'm sarcastic, an ass, and a loud mouth...anyone can tell you that.

I'm really hard to read.
A smiling face doesn't always mean someones happy, and tears don't always mean someone is sad.
In my case, I am most comfortable and happy with one other person.
That is when I am most honest.
I get very uncomfortable being around large groups of people, cause someone is constantly watching you.
I don't like large groups cause I always feel shut out... a large part of my childhood was spent being a wallflower.

I can never truly tell people how I feel.
Partly cause I am scared.
My Mom and I were talking the other day and she was telling me about myself, she is one of the few that "knows" me.
She said that I am a very sad, emotional person that has no clue what to do with herself or how to express her emotions.
She is right.
I am often sad and worrying about stuff. I can never imagine letting my mother down or not protecting my little brother. I am afraid that if I let someone down they will be disappointed in me, and not like me anymore. In the end the only time I care about what people think of me is when it comes out to who I am on the inside.
People can call me fat, ugly, a whore, whatever! Those are all non-important things to me. But what a person actually thinks I'm like and my priorties that is something they will never truly know or understand.
I think very highly of myself because if I don't nobody will and people will take advantage of me. I am also 'stuck-up' because I know I deserve better and will not settle for less.

This is another reason why I don't express my emotions, because emotions are a form of weakness, and I NEVER want anyone to feel bad for me or take sympathy on me.
It scares me to say, I love you, and to show someone that I actually love them.
The only person other than family that I say "I love you" too, face-to-face in person and mean it whole heartedly is Di, and I have even talked about her in a manner unbecoming of a young lady.

I'm a crappy friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, everything!
I am a compulsive liar.
I am a lonely person.
I am a ball of energy.
I am a cartoon living in a thought bubble.

I'm scared...or everything, everyone.
"I never meant to hurt you, never meant to make you cry, but I got to say what's on my mind"

Silent Nights

I really can't wait to die.
I think it would be an amazing experience that I can't wait to have it!
I want to know what it's like to be extremely serene and comfortable with myself.

I want to see how my life has affected the lives of those I have been close with.
My family, my friends, those why are gone now, those who had hurt me and I left behind.
Not one day goes by that I don't think about Doggy, or Sonny.
I constantly think about the men I have lost and cry my eyes out.
I have made so many mistakes, and I want to repent for all of them.
I have not always made the best choices, but most of them benifted me and my life at the moment.
I'm just a very emotional person who does not yet know how to deal with her overly complex ego.

I get very jealous too.
I don't like being left out or hated.
I always, always! Try to include everyone, so when people don't include me it hurts very badly.
When people are mean to me or say a rude remark, it stays with me for weeks, even months.
On New Years eve I chose to stay home alone, my friends invited me to go out and I wanted to but deep down I knew I shouldn't.
So I made up an excuse that my mom didn't want me to go.
It turns out that people got overly drunk at the party and I am happy that I did not go because I would not have been comfortable, since last time I had hung out with them I drank TOO much and made a fool of myself.
And that night a "friend" sent me a few rude comments that cut deep, it was mainly due to them being drunk that they said them, but never the less they hurt.
Then my prince in shining armor, came and took me away.
He gave me my new years kiss and we partied till the sun came up, in a non-alcoholic, all vegan party.

In the end, people should bite their tongue and always apologize. I always apologize for my mistakes and I believe I deserve their apologize as well.
I hold grudges, yes! I will never let anyone treat me in a manner I do not deserve and I will NEVER forget what they said.
I am a lady, therefore I apologize and forgive, but I never forget.

People hurt each other without meaning too, but apologize, hugs, and 'I'm sorry's" always make it better.

I like to be around creative people with very strong personalities and different beliefs systems from my own.
I learn a lot from them, and am constantly inspired and feed off of their energy.
They're beautiful.

I like to be alone while I am creating something because I can see it transform and new and better ideas come to me as I am doing so.
But I also liek creative people to be close by so I can ask their opinion and see the feeling they get from the garment.

Music is also good in the creative process.
Cause it helps put emotion into the piece.

Out of Tune, Out of Style, NOT EVEN ALIVE!

So, I have decided I would write here.
I am gonna write about everything and anything that pops into my mind, random shit, important stuff...EVERYTHING!

As of lately I feel like everyone around me is falling to their knees to abuse.
Be it alcohol abuse, drug abuse, or straight up just abuse!
None of them are going anywhere.
They are just sitting on their asses decomposing waiting for their life to change.
But it is not possible for change to happen when there is nothing pushing for a difference.

I like fashion, I like music, I like being a woman in a mans world!
and I am alone.
None of my friends, except for one, know what I mean by this.
Either I'm a strange fashion person who like music waayyyy too much, or a 'fake' music fanatic cause I like fashion.
I'm not like these other stupid girls that say they like fashion, I actually know what I am talking about!

I want to change the world and affect it in a positive way.
I want to change the perception of beauty and make it socially acceptable to be weird and corky.
I want to be accepted by all and judged by none.
I want to leave something behind when I die, why is it that my close friends don't?

Fashion is NOT a joke.
It takes months of preparation, mind reading, fashion forecasts, bilions of dollars, hundreds of minds, and countless of hours of blood sweat and tears to create a work of art... an article of clothing.
I am not a seamstress! I am an asrtist! An imagineer! I will have the power to control society, emotions, feelings, and desires, what will your power be?