Take me Away

I'm such a wreck. I can't help myself. I thought that once I grew up I would stop feeling this way, but it turns out, no, I'm still a mess. People can judge and criticize, they don't listen and they don't see. No one will ever experience the same things as you, therefor I don't expect anyone to ever understand me, I just want people to accept me.


I'm all ears, with open arms. Whenever my friends, Mom, brother and sister, whenever anyone, even strangers want to talkk I listen and give advice. My friends that are woman ask me for advice almost daily and I give it, even if I'm not the most experienced I know much about matters of the heart. I sit and listen, because that's what I would want someone to do for me. And when I need someone most no one is there. If someone asks me "What's wrong?", I'm not going to tell them because the little voice at the back of my head is yelling "THEY DON'T CARE! Once you tell them they're going to use it against you. They'll make fun of you!". People need to be firm with me, and the only person I'm ever honest with is my bff Diana, and then my Mom, they know how to handle me. They make me tell them, and that's what I need. I need to feel vulnerable in order to tell the truth. I need people to make me share, to hold me close and be true.
I have the tough girl exterior but I'm as soft as a marshmallow.Just today I counseled three other woman, two clsoe friends and my Mother. I listened to what they had to say, tried to advise them on what to do, etc. Then once I tried to talk to them about how I felt, I was shot down and they proceeded to talk about random things, instead of asking me how I was doing when I clearly showed an expression to talk.
I don't have anyone to talk to , so I just write everything down. I'm a vulnerable person, all I want to be is loved. I want to get lost and runaway, have no feeling or pain, just leave. I can't help but cry as I'm writing this. I just feel absolutely horrid and for many different reasons.
I got into an arguement with a rude boy yesterday, I have no respect for ANY man who raises his voice in front of a woman or talks to them maliciously. The woman to whom he is speaking to may not say anything due to fear, but I will be damned if I don't say something. I don't do this because I feel the need to pick a fight, I do this because that woman has no voice, and someone needs to speak up for her, if she doesn't herself then I will. And today I got into another arguement,malicious things told to me for no real reason, and all I could do was give her a taste of her own medicine. I then had to wait an hour in the rain at BART. Came home and there was 'no food' to make myself dinner due to the fact that all the vegetables were used to make the meat dishes. So I went to the gas station and bought some sunflower seeds. I told my Mom I was going to order a pizza and she said no, that i'd have to order some for everyone and go pick it up when she refused me from taking the car and nobody wanted to drive me, so I'm hungry, crying, my nose is bleeding, and I'm cold. Take me Away.