Truth be Told

I am rude, crude, heartless, and don't know how to express my feelings.
I know, I'm a wreck.
I spend a lot of time alone, thinking, working, day-dreaming; about situations and stuff of the sort.
I write...a lot!
That is the only way I can truly express my feelings cause I am too overly emotional and sometimes have manic fits of anger, rage, or sadness.
I'm usually wayy happy and over the top, mainly because I try to make people happy, and by making them happy it makes me happy, and happiness is all that matters in life, that and love.
I back track a lot and talk when I shouldn't, it's one of my many faults.
I'm sarcastic, an ass, and a loud mouth...anyone can tell you that.

I'm really hard to read.
A smiling face doesn't always mean someones happy, and tears don't always mean someone is sad.
In my case, I am most comfortable and happy with one other person.
That is when I am most honest.
I get very uncomfortable being around large groups of people, cause someone is constantly watching you.
I don't like large groups cause I always feel shut out... a large part of my childhood was spent being a wallflower.

I can never truly tell people how I feel.
Partly cause I am scared.
My Mom and I were talking the other day and she was telling me about myself, she is one of the few that "knows" me.
She said that I am a very sad, emotional person that has no clue what to do with herself or how to express her emotions.
She is right.
I am often sad and worrying about stuff. I can never imagine letting my mother down or not protecting my little brother. I am afraid that if I let someone down they will be disappointed in me, and not like me anymore. In the end the only time I care about what people think of me is when it comes out to who I am on the inside.
People can call me fat, ugly, a whore, whatever! Those are all non-important things to me. But what a person actually thinks I'm like and my priorties that is something they will never truly know or understand.
I think very highly of myself because if I don't nobody will and people will take advantage of me. I am also 'stuck-up' because I know I deserve better and will not settle for less.

This is another reason why I don't express my emotions, because emotions are a form of weakness, and I NEVER want anyone to feel bad for me or take sympathy on me.
It scares me to say, I love you, and to show someone that I actually love them.
The only person other than family that I say "I love you" too, face-to-face in person and mean it whole heartedly is Di, and I have even talked about her in a manner unbecoming of a young lady.

I'm a crappy friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, everything!
I am a compulsive liar.
I am a lonely person.
I am a ball of energy.
I am a cartoon living in a thought bubble.

I'm scared...or everything, everyone.
"I never meant to hurt you, never meant to make you cry, but I got to say what's on my mind"