Night Sky Brings Evil Things To Light

I just spent the last 1 1/2 hours sitting in my tub listening to the water drain.
I was thinking...
pondering...
wondering...
examining my life in a whole.

I ask myself, "Am I too young for this?", I am an eighteen year old girl who in one week will have experienced everything she has never dreamed of.
As a child I never dreamed of being a fashion designer, I have never liked fashion or been 'in' with the cool crowd, I have never been in a crowd PERIOD.
I have never had a group of friends who cared about me, or knew who I really was.
I have never been welcomed, or understood by adults or my peers.
I have never been wanted.

The more I sit in think, the more I wonder how I could have accomplished all of this.
I have met everyone I have ever idolized, I have everything I could ever want or need, I have a loving mother, brother, and sister, and I attend a private college that I was actually accepted into.
Why the hell do I deserve this.
Out of all the people in the world, why do I get to live this life?

As the water slowly trickled out of the tub, and into the drain I also thought about my future and what I want to achieve.
From the get-go all I have ever wanted to do was be happy, and make my mother proud.
So far I have lived up to both of my hopes.
When my friends and I talk about kids, I always say I don't want any...which I don't.
I also never want to live to be old or elderly.
I want someone to love and to care for me.
I am eighteen and have experienced what I believe to be love and threw it away.
As I sat in the tub I imagined living in a small home of my own with my 'husband' and seeing him walk into the bathroom and see me sitting there and ask me "Are you okay?", I imagined the man I first fell in love with.
In this vision I was not tattoed, or pierced...neither was he.
I think, am I in a faze where I like that or is this who I truly am.


I want someone that understands me and knows me.
Who will know when I am sad or mad, and try to make me feel better.
Who will light my cigarette without being prompted, or hand me a drink before I ask.
I want to have the perfect relationship that I know I can have if I only settle down and stop lying.
I have never been a good girlfriend, I have never been able to make a real commitment.