Que Sera, Sera...

Algunas vesas la vida me mata. Y unas vesas mi vida es una cosa muy linda.

Otra ves

I don't have much to say, actually I have nothing to say. I have a lot of feelings, I lot of hurt, and a whole lot of experience in this field. I love men, I love to hate them, I love every single piece of them, and they kill me. I love living the life of a couple, love belonging with one other person and being that other persons everything. But everytime I try to get close I end up falling apart, everytime. They always leave so what the fuck is the point of even getting close to another person? If they always leave. Other things always become more important then when it's over, oh hey, you're still here? I guess I'm not mature enough yet to handle all this, I don't think I ever was. Now my true teenager comes out. If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. Just call me Annie, the modern day Coco, and Marilyn reincarnated.

I love listening to a song that takes me back to a moment in time and I feel all those same feelings I felt at that age. I was just listenbing to Good Charlottes' "The Chronicles of Life and Death" and I still remember every lyric, the feeling I felt when I first heard that song and how much I hatet being a kid and my life. They were one of those bands that opened up my eyes after I tried the whole 'fitting in' stage and fuck, they are sure one of the bands I have to thank for becoming who I am today...them and a few selected others.
I never thought I'd be here, live this long, and be this 'grown up'.

Take me Away

I'm such a wreck. I can't help myself. I thought that once I grew up I would stop feeling this way, but it turns out, no, I'm still a mess. People can judge and criticize, they don't listen and they don't see. No one will ever experience the same things as you, therefor I don't expect anyone to ever understand me, I just want people to accept me.


I'm all ears, with open arms. Whenever my friends, Mom, brother and sister, whenever anyone, even strangers want to talkk I listen and give advice. My friends that are woman ask me for advice almost daily and I give it, even if I'm not the most experienced I know much about matters of the heart. I sit and listen, because that's what I would want someone to do for me. And when I need someone most no one is there. If someone asks me "What's wrong?", I'm not going to tell them because the little voice at the back of my head is yelling "THEY DON'T CARE! Once you tell them they're going to use it against you. They'll make fun of you!". People need to be firm with me, and the only person I'm ever honest with is my bff Diana, and then my Mom, they know how to handle me. They make me tell them, and that's what I need. I need to feel vulnerable in order to tell the truth. I need people to make me share, to hold me close and be true.
I have the tough girl exterior but I'm as soft as a marshmallow.Just today I counseled three other woman, two clsoe friends and my Mother. I listened to what they had to say, tried to advise them on what to do, etc. Then once I tried to talk to them about how I felt, I was shot down and they proceeded to talk about random things, instead of asking me how I was doing when I clearly showed an expression to talk.
I don't have anyone to talk to , so I just write everything down. I'm a vulnerable person, all I want to be is loved. I want to get lost and runaway, have no feeling or pain, just leave. I can't help but cry as I'm writing this. I just feel absolutely horrid and for many different reasons.
I got into an arguement with a rude boy yesterday, I have no respect for ANY man who raises his voice in front of a woman or talks to them maliciously. The woman to whom he is speaking to may not say anything due to fear, but I will be damned if I don't say something. I don't do this because I feel the need to pick a fight, I do this because that woman has no voice, and someone needs to speak up for her, if she doesn't herself then I will. And today I got into another arguement,malicious things told to me for no real reason, and all I could do was give her a taste of her own medicine. I then had to wait an hour in the rain at BART. Came home and there was 'no food' to make myself dinner due to the fact that all the vegetables were used to make the meat dishes. So I went to the gas station and bought some sunflower seeds. I told my Mom I was going to order a pizza and she said no, that i'd have to order some for everyone and go pick it up when she refused me from taking the car and nobody wanted to drive me, so I'm hungry, crying, my nose is bleeding, and I'm cold. Take me Away.

Better

I've been feeling a whole lot better after the dreadful week I had. Sometimes people in my life are just so over powering that it's hard for me to get a word in and I just let them take control, something I love! But then I just become someone they think is always there for them, I'm not someones mother, I'm not a kid, and I'm not an adult.
It's just kinda scary the way people go through life and the ordeals we go through to find that one perfect person we are told that are out there for us. I find it strange that we search blindly for someone, and something, that we don't really know exists, or ever existed.
I don't know what I want in life, not career wise, not in my love life, not in my personal life, not in nothing.
I'm a 19 year old with the heart of a widow, mind of a infant, bank account of a bum, and the dreams of a child. I've got nothing to prove but everything to gain.

nanananananana

I feel like kicking someones ass today. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm bored and I want to go for a walk, but I kinda cant, cause it's cold and I don't own any pants >_<
Fuck.
But yeah, I want to go on a walk in the rain just with pants and I don't have any, only dresses and now I'm getting kinda grumpy for the fact that I should be reading about christian churches and their art and I'm just like eghhh, do I REALLLLYY need to know this. Religious art is not something I am going to be inspired by, maybe by Jesus being crucified on the cross, but that's about it. I dunno, I'm in a grumpy mood I guess...actually I know I am.
I feel like I'm all over the place and just need to center my thoughts.
Too many thoughts...I'm thinking about Trevor, about my halloween costume, about why my tummy has been fucked up, my homework, my dress, my cafd class, and for the fact that I have these fat ass hickies on my neck and don't want my family to see them. Shit, if I didn't live at home, i've be proudly showing them off...but I don't think my mom would like to see them.

Anywaysssss. I went on a 'walk' with my bf yesterday in the park and there were bats!! Like flying around, it was so romantic, I was awe struck, what else can a creepy gal like me ask for, oh yeah and there was an uber cute guy by my side too. That also made it pretty great. hmmm, I should get back to work now.

Love love love love love lovvveee

So I just found out that my ex is back with his girlfriend. I don't know if that is one of the major key factors as to why we ended up breaking up but I yeah...I'm sitting here in Starbucks with Allisha, we're both on our laptops and I found this shit out. I was grumpy...then a bit sad, but now I'm over it. But hey it's for the better. I knew he still loved his ex and am glad he is going to be back with her cause that is better for him, and his life. I'm glad and hope he will have a happy life with her.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. But I feel like I need to put my feelings down on a public forum.
Oh well! "boy's will come and boys will go, just like street cars!!!!"

Content and Happy

I have an amazing family, even though I have no father. I have an amazing job, even though I make a bit over minimum wage. And I have a great boyfriend, even though he's waiting for me in a different city.
I've realized to appreciate the silly little things in life. Such as dancing on the beach, sleeping in the woods, or walking after midnight with a dear friend. I've learned that no matter what happens there will always be people there to pick me up from wherever I have fallen. I'm ready to start new, someplace where I can make a name for myself and challenge myself. I'm not happy in a place, or even in a relationship, where everything is perfect and happy. I'm a fighter and I need to constantly be moving and have something to do to feel 'normal'. I need to have people around me that are ready to move, and go with it.

Another funny little thing that people have been finding out about me...I smoke! Not drugs of course, I don't very much like drugs, but cigarettes. I love how people are amazed and astonished when I pull a cigarette out and light it, hahah, the look on their face is priceless.
We all have our poisons, and mine happen to be cigarettes and vodka, yum...

Should I stay or should I go?

It's so hard NOT to be an alcoholic or a whore in a place like this.
There are no museums, no good parks, no interesting people, and no good parties.
I waited to graduate high school so I could be me and hang out with all my friends, now that I have I've found that money is a huge issue, and when it's not money it's transportation.
I feel I've outgrown, and outlived my life here in the Bay Area. My last name is Martinez, I was born in Martinez, and have lived my whole life in Martinez, it's time to spread my wings and fly.
I've met so many countless and beautiful people here, be it at shows, or at school. And I am very blessed to have them in my life. But I know if I don't leave now...or soon that I will be a 20 year old college graduate living at home, and that's not the life I want.
Plus, even though L.A. Fashion isn't my cup of tea, at least there are more desingers and opportunities to intern there.
My decision is not yet set, but I am 75% sure I want to transfer to one of the Southern California campuses.

Love will tear us apart.

When I'm in bed, and about to go to sleep I always think about my day, my life, or just random things that have happened to me.
I couple nights ago I was thinking about my Dad, the fact that the guy I like asked me about him kinda made me think about him.
It has now been over a year since I have seen him, and I don't know if I will ever see him again.
I started to become sad because I remembered all the fun times we had as a family when I was a kid. All the fun camping trips, snow trips, just all the fun things we did in general. I was a Daddy's girl, I did everything with my Dad and I loved him with all my heart. I find myself talking with my Mom about all the great things we did as a family together and how it all ended.

My Dad was there when I graduated high school, although I didn't know it he was there watching me. Then after when I was laughing with my friends and taking photos with my family he came over ang hugged me, completely breaking me down till I was uncontrollably crying.
That was the last time I saw him. He will always be my father, and he will always be married to my Mom...and I know that one day when I'm older my parents will get back together, because after all they DO love each other even after all that happened.

The Fear

Lately the fear has been getting to me.
I don't know what to do.
For those of you who do not know, 'the fear' is what I call my feelings.
They are a roller coaster of emotions that take over, and every once in a while they drive me up the wall insane.

Lately, as none of you know, my dream in life is to be a housewife.
I want to be married, live in a tiny cozy shack with the man of my dreams and start my life.
While he's out, I would make clothes and designs and when he got home we would have dinner together and go on walks at night.
Talk till we have nothing more to talk about.
I think I want this to have some stability in life. I don't feel like I have a good foothold on life at the moment. It is way to unpredictable, and for once in my life, I don't want that.
I have never truly embraced my femininity. I have always been a tom boy or a little goth girl.
But for the past while, a year or two, I have worn nothing but dresses and I now over 1/2 of my closet is all vintage dresses from the 30's-60's further making me want to have the american dream.

I just want to live a simple life.
With a simple man.
And live in a house with our simple pets.
And simply feel love and adored.

Addict

It takes me a good 15 minutes to end a compulsive feeling.
Like I'm sitting somewhere, be it in my house, the park, or my favorite cafe and I'm like 'Shit, I really want to hang out with ______". But I know I should not, be it because last time we hung out something went down, or someone did.
I HAVE AN ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY!
Be it I will only eat garnola and yogurt for a week.
I will not stop after five drinks.
I can never smoke just one cigarette.
I can never do just one sketch.
I will never buy just one dress.

My name is Angelica and I am addicted to love.

It's All That You Can Do

I depend on others too much.
Words can be said, but proving them to be correct is the hard part.
I don’t have the will power to let you go.

I remember listening to ‘Be Yourself’ by Audioslave in junior high, those were the worse years of my life.
I was made fun of, teased, and I just wanted to die.
The people I thought were my friends teased me, about anything and everything.

“To be yourself is all that you can do”

That was my mantra.
The other day I heard that song and tears just started flowing, and I couldn’t stop.
The emotions of my younger years came back.
I remember looking up at the beautiful people, the musicians and artists…and wishing I was one of them.
I never really fit in, or had a place…I still feel like I don’t.
I’m a fashion design student, who listen to metal, punk, and doo-wop. I wear granny cardigans that I find at goodwill, wear vintage dresses from the 40’s while wearing a leather studded jacket and oxford shoes.

I don’t fit in and I don’t try to stick out.

Deep down I still cry and feel bad that I don’t fit in or look like everyone else.
I have yet to find a companion who loves me for who I am, and I doubt I ever will. I’m more complicated than anyone could ever imagine and more woman than any man can handle.


(Photo from a week ago. After a long night.)

People are strange

I love hearing songs that makes you curl your toes and gives you that tingly feeling going up your back.
Music that can change your mood and provoke a feeling is so special.
Only dark music can do that.
Only the truly lost and misunderstood could ever understand this feeling.
Only they have ever experienced it and can say without a doubt "I know what you mean".
You know you meet an individual like this because when you mention it to them they get a wicked grin and a twinkle in their eye.

Ocean

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Hold on there buddy!!
WHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAT IN THE WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRLLLLLLLLLDDDDD!
*PAUSE*

Life is moving wayy to fast. I can't get a steady foothold and feel like I'm going to crash!
It's one of those times I want to choke myself in order to just pass out.
I'm listening to Sonny and his music seems to be numbing enough to be able to write this.
I have to stop every few seconds and get myself in check though.
I'm like involunatrily convulsing.
Too many thoughts, ideas, and feelings in my head.
I swear, why do I have to be sooo complicated?
I know of no one else who deals with life the way I do. It's so strange, when I feel bad, I just dance, crank up the music, and ignore everything.
Is it pain, heartache, over-work, longing, missing?
Someone take me up to the hill, late at night, crank up the music and dance around the fire until the sun comes up.
COM-PLI-CAT-ED!

"Brings me to my knees, brings me closer"

Jeez. I just want to go to hippie hill and lie in the grass, smoke my cigarettes, and drink myself to sleep.
Drinking doesn't make me nubm, it makes me normal, it calms me down.
I am wayy to hyperactive of a person, and at any moment of any day at every second, my mind is going 1,000,000,000 miles a minute.

When I'm with my love it goes twice as fast as normal, and she knows it...I think it scares her.
And when I'm with my lust, it slows me down to a vegitated state.
...I swear...extremes...I'm extremes.

tada!

Goodness Gosh!
No one, except for a few other ladies and gentleman, know how much I truly miss FIDM! I could never have imagined that I would actually miss going to school, I miss being busy, having a lack of sleep, waking up before the crack of down, and coming home when it's dark.
Every quarter I feel more and more blessed to be able to go to FIDM, and to have gained the friendships I know have. Everyone, the students, the teachers, the atmosphere, it is all amazing.

This whole break so far I have been re-inventing myself without evern realizing it.
I have taken out my plugs, have cut a large majority of my hair off, whitenend my teeth, re-done my eyebrows, and have gotten a completey new wardrobe!
This 'change' is long over due.
I am so happy right now, words cannot even describe.
A large majority of the mornings I wake up, drive down to the Marina (Yes! I AM DRIVING!), and go on a long walk.
I then come home, get dressed and clean the house. After that I watch Bewitched and I Dream of Jennie after which I take my two doggies on a walk.
This may not sound like a lot, put after a long day I feel very fulfilled.
I am re-thinking the idea of being a housewife and getting married.
I have never wanted to be a housewife and I sure as hell have never wanted to get married, but lately I have been considering it and even had a long conversation with min kjaere about it.
He believe is is the fact that I have grown up and am getting my priorities straight that it is only a part of life that my opinions on certain situations change.
He's a sweetheart, if only I loved him like he says he loves me.
I would marry him in a heartbeat! But as I well know, I already know who the love of my life is, and I will not settle for anyone but him.

I am currently also re-reading 'Cheap Diamonds' and amazing book that I always love to read.
Oh! And I also hav a job interview tomorrow! It's at the Union Square Macy's! How exciting! That Macy's is so beautiful and grand, I know I would enjoy working there, hopefully they hire me and I can have a steady job :)
Goodness knows I need the money, and maybe, just maybe, if I work full time this whole break I can save up enough money for a down payment for an apartment in the city.
haha, I girl can dream can't she!
I will know end this blog with a few pictures I took this past week.

Toodles!
Annie

Oh Lordy Lordy!!

Sometimes I find it so hard to try and ignore people!
Their ignorance and not understanding of a situation angers me because they insist that what they say is true when they know nothing of the situation.
oh lord!
I try not to judge people when I don't know them, and I don't make assumptions on things I do not know about. I have not always been like this but once I was faced with a multitude of people that live like this I knew I had to make a change.
I do not want to be ignorant or self-absorbed. No one will ever know how someone else feels in a situation unless they themselves have been through it, and that is why I no longer judge people.

I forgive and accept people apologizes when I recieve then because that is what a well mannered young lady does. I have finally realized what kind of woman I want to be and am making the right decisions. As a child I took etiquette lessons and HATED them, but now I am glad I took them because I know a handful of little tid-bits that make me a better person. I also apologize to others when I have done something wrong because I do not want to be known as a rude or mean person, because I am not.
I like people to come to me when there is a problem or when a situation has risen because that is what I do, it may take me a bit of time to put myself together so that I don't say things I will later regret, but I always confront people.

Lately I have felt very happy and content with my life.

Vinchic

My new obsession is anything and everything beautiful and classy.
I feel in a time like this, were there is little money and problems in the world, it is time for people to be recession chic.

I take advantage of the days my family gets off and we go out for lunches and a bit of light shopping.
I find vintage items to be so much better than new items because they have a story behind them and an individual feeling.
I know that I am the only, or one of few, who have such an item and that makes me feel so special!
The fact that I by items that are one of a kind is so amazing to me.

In my life I have always tried to fit in and not stand out so much.
I was a very quiet child and during my final year of high school I branched out and took charge of my life.
I wore dresses to school, and heels!
I decided I wouldn't give a damn whether or not anyone liked how I dressed. I wasn't dressing in designer clothing, I didn't shop at the mall.
Instead I would shop thrifty and found items I thought were nice and beautiful.

But upon entering FIDM I started buying Vintage and Thrift clothing, now after I have finished my first year of college I find over 50% of my clothing articles to be thrifted!

Old Lady Chic

This past week since I have finished my first year at FIDM has been very rewarding and exciting!
I have done quite a bit of shopping, and have gained some wonderful wardrobe pieces.
My Mother describes my fashion style as, and I quote "Old-Lady Chic".
I find it quite amusing that she think so, because I just think I loof fancy and classy!
None the less she likes coming shopping with me and is one of my best buddies, so I have no problem being Mommies Little Monster.
And to her suprise, I also have a french manicure!
She just laughs and gives me a look everytime I 'change'.
I don't really think I am changing...rather I am growing up and becoming the person I am meant to be.

Oh! And I also took out my plugs.
I am quite happy with the decision. After 5 years of having them I just feel I am not the same person I was when I began the experience.
When I was a kid I wanted them because they looked really interesting and wild! Then I put meaning and thought behind why I was doing them.
But I have know found better ways to express myself, threrfor after a lond dileberation, I took them out.
It has been 3 days and they are still 'shrinking'. It will take a couple weeks for the whole to lessen but it will still be quite large. No matter though, I never want them to fully disappear because they are part of my history and who I am.

From my shopping experiences I have gained two hats, a floral handbag, a sweater shirt garment, and a Velvet Coat thing.
I am quite proud of my items and can't wait to wear them.
The hats have been worn quite a lot.
Someone ask me on a fancy date so I can wear them!! Lunch & Tea PLEASE!!

They look like crap on a hanger, but look amazing on! If I didn't feel so crappy I would take better photos...oh well!

Just call me Vivienne

SOOOO I have been discussing with my Mother for the longest time about me going to Guatemala for my quarter off from school.
And today, after she picked me up from bart she discussed it with me and said if I really wanted to go then we would go get my passport renewed this Saturday!
I am EXTATIC!!!
It's been too long since I've been there and I miss my Grandmother and Aunts!
They are all so amazing and sweet I cannot wait!

Last time my Grandmother came she took a bagfull of my accesories and now it's my turn to scavage through her closet, hahah.
She has beautiful jewelry and coats that I would love to get my mits on and am excited to see my aunts again!
They are the cutest little ladies imaginable, it is truly hard to be a lady in this modern world and they manage to.
I look up to them, and their lifestyle very much I wish to be at least a tiny bit like them.

I found out that my Mother was influenced by my sister to not let me go to Guatemala. Apparently I dress tres outrageously and she is afraid I will be held for ransom or something! Like seriously, she told my Mother that I wear too much designer clothing and handbags and the fact that I do so will get me unwanted attention.
Like good gracious! I don't wear Gucci, Dolce, Balenciaga, or high end clothing like that! Half the time people don't realize I am even wearing designer garb!
OH! And my Betsey and Chanel bags, supposably they are too flashy...seriously?

Oh well, that's old news.
I am going to Guatemala!!