Sometimes when it's cold outside, I feel like wearing jeans...but then I remember I only own one pair and they are torn and faded.
The little voice inside my head screams, "I'm a Lady!" and I remember that beauty is pain and I must suffer for my art.

Even right now, when I am sick with a fever and a stuffy nose, I will do my hair and make-up before I leave my house.
My grandmother, a 71 year old woman, will not leave her room until she is dressed and done up, even when she has nowhere to go.
A lady must always look her best because heaven knows who will come to the door or who you will meet.
Never give a bad first impression, and always know your standards.

"People care about people who care about themselves"

I can't wait to see my Grandma!!
I get to see her when this quarter ends, I'm leaving the counrty and going to Guatemala to stay with her for a month!
SOOOOOOO EXCCCIITTTEEED!
I love Guatemala, it's one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen.




My family there is amazing.
I remember the first time I went to Antigua, it was the most exotic place I had ever been to, the monastaries there are beautiful and the cemetaries are to die for!

I can't wait to experience it again as an adult :D

Real eyes realize real lies.

Well HELLO THERE! This blog really has no purpose, I just need to waste some time and think out loud. Boredom is a weakness of the mind so I decided to do something about it and write, hahaha


There are so many things I wish I could say to people but don't have the power to.
Not because I'm scared or intimidated, but because I don't want to hurt people.
I believe you should treat others like you want to be treated, I may not have always done that in the past but from now on I am making it a point to do so.

"It seems funny that I have to explain myself for every comment I make.
I don't believe I have to, but others think that I do.
So whatever, I don't really give a rats ass."

I have a Chanel ring on my left hand, and a swarobski crystal flower on the right.

I always used to think I never wanted to grow up.
I was Wendy looking for Peter Pan, but I recently discovered that growing up really isn't that bad.
Growing up means you are changing and evolving in a greater human being.
We must learn to walk before we run.
As children we experience the world thru innocent eyes.
We then learn the ropes, and begin to make choices.
We evolve and grow, hopefully into better beings, but not all of us.

I have learned that I grow up a lot quicker than other people.
As living and growing beings we go through differnt changes in life that push us further and further to the end.
Life is what we make it, we can either waste it away or take hold of the reins and make our own choices.

Today, millions and trillions of thoughts are going through my head:

-I wish he was still in my life, I should have forgiven him for what he did, yet I don't. In the end I know he will always be here for me when I need him most. He's the only one that has always been truthful and there for me, he's been the kindest yet harshest person to me. I really don't know.

-I am not easily influenced by the thoughts and views of others, I wish they were stronger and realized what their other friends were doing to them.

-Thanks for taking so much interest in me fuckers! Keep talking cause you're only making yourself look immature.

-We were so good friends, I should really hang out with them soon.

-Cassie is soo sweet.

-I wish people wouldn't be so rude.



Thrift Shopping was lame! No good items and too many people all around, and crazy creepy pervs. Being sick didn't help either.
I better be healthier by Tuesday...I hope I am.

Dear World,

I have faced hardships and ordeal that you could never imagine; I have witnessed three people die before my eyes, have been persecuted for my religion, was sexually assaulted, and have witnessed a gun put to my mothers head and almost witnessed her being murdered.

This of course, is none of your business, I never intended to share this part of myself with any of you.
But I feel it needs to be said since I few close friends consider my feelings to be insincere.
(Please note that I did not put the word 'friends' in parantheses in the above stated sentence, cause everyone I care for is a friend of mine and will always be.)

At times I may act different, or unlike myself.
But in reality, how do any of you know who 'I' am when I myself don't even know.
As a human being I am constantly changing and addapting to my surroundings.
If I were to say that I did not change, I would be lying.

In certain situations I am uncomfortable, such as in big groups.
Why am I uncomfortable? Well becauseIi feel I am being constantly judged in big groups of people, there are too many things going on at once, and I am unable to comprehend what is going on.
I have social phobia when it comes to close contact with large groups of people I know nothing about or have anything in common with.

I do not understand why I need to justify my feelings, emotions, and actions to any of you!

I am who I am, and if you believe me to be 'fake' then go ahead and believe that.
But in reality you are the one judging people when I am trying to learn and understand myself.
You talk, talk, talk when in reality you have nothing important to say.
You talk to hear yourself speak, and judge in order to take attention of yourself, hoping and wishing they will not notice you and point out your flaws.

There are two parts of me: there is Annie and Angelica. I have two different personas, two alter ego's.
The only other person that knows my life story and why I seperate my life into two parts, is my best friend, and she is the only one who well ever truly understand what I have gone through.
Angelica is the girl who was teased as a little girl, who was told she was 'stupid' by her math teacher, called fat by her first boyfriend, who learned to be a wallflower instead of a rose.
Annie is the girl who came out of Angelica. She learned from Angelica's mistakes and is the creative being that attends FIDM and intends to accomplish more.
At times I go back to the vegetative state that was Angelica.
That is why I prefer to be called Annie.

I am a wreck, a ball of emotion.
I either want to die, or live forever.
My life is full of extremes, I love or I hate, I laugh or I cry.

I am constantly thinking, hoping, wishing, creating.
I write to let my thoughts run wild, they are a way for me to fully understand what I am going thru and what I am thinking.
It is my real life pensieve.

I have nothing to prove, because I know in my heart that I am a geniune person.
I know who I am and do not have to ever second guess myself.
I am Annie.
I am the girl you confide in, the person you had a crush on, the one who spent all night listening to your feelings, the only other person that will be there when your world goes to hell.

The life I have experienced has shaped me, and damn you if you don't understand.
If you have seen the things I have seen you would guard yourself and your emotions from the world too, but instead I make them public.
I let the world see my life from my eyes, by writing, and creating.
If you want to know more about me, or my 'real' emotions then read my blogs:
theoneandonlyannie.blogspot.com
and
myspace.com/xmorbidlyxromantic.

None of you will ever understand, but I hope this helps.

Non-Sense

There are a few things I just love to love.
Like sitting in Union Square watching the strangers go by, or being completely and utterly emerced in the music at a concert.
Or the feeling of complete infatuation at the beginning of an amazing relationship.

I have been walking all over the place, taking trains, buses, raliroads all over the place! And walking like I never have before.
I like walking it gives me time to think and admire the world, even if I do get rude remarks by men!
It seems like there are all these creepers and older folks that have issues with what I wear. Cause I am constantly getting mean looks!! it annoys me, but there is nothing I can do about it.

Where have all the good people gone, a large part of me constantly changes, but deep down I will always be that fuckin' little 13 year old girl that lives to go to shows, and believes that music can change the world.
The day I lose that part of myself, is the day life has no purpose and all beauty has left the world.

I'm obsessed with the mess.
I love glitz, glamour, dirt, and filth.
I like it when my make-up smudges and I am constantly wearing black.
But you will never see me without blush and glitter on my face, and in heels!
Weather it be high heeled boots, patent leather combat boots, or sequined mess of a shoe.
It takes a strong personality to keep me in check.
My current boyfriend, is a blast from the past, while dating my o.t.l. I was dating him too.
I like sweet men, but I also need someone to be there telling me to calm the fuck down and that I am over-reacting.
I'm not the type of girl that likes to hold hands and go to the mall.
I often get into arguements and need someone there holding me back, I will hold your jacket while you go into the pit, and I would spend days lying in bed with you.
I will cook you breakfest and dress you up.
We would be King and Queen of out own little wonderland, and give each other little stares from opposite sides of the room.
You will stare at me getting rady to go out, and hold my hair while I vomit, and kiss me when I'm crying.
I just want to be HAPPY!
I have been happy for the past, three weeks now, but I know he is getting tired of me and my antics.
I try to get close but honey you keep pushing me away.

Truth be Told

I am rude, crude, heartless, and don't know how to express my feelings.
I know, I'm a wreck.
I spend a lot of time alone, thinking, working, day-dreaming; about situations and stuff of the sort.
I write...a lot!
That is the only way I can truly express my feelings cause I am too overly emotional and sometimes have manic fits of anger, rage, or sadness.
I'm usually wayy happy and over the top, mainly because I try to make people happy, and by making them happy it makes me happy, and happiness is all that matters in life, that and love.
I back track a lot and talk when I shouldn't, it's one of my many faults.
I'm sarcastic, an ass, and a loud mouth...anyone can tell you that.

I'm really hard to read.
A smiling face doesn't always mean someones happy, and tears don't always mean someone is sad.
In my case, I am most comfortable and happy with one other person.
That is when I am most honest.
I get very uncomfortable being around large groups of people, cause someone is constantly watching you.
I don't like large groups cause I always feel shut out... a large part of my childhood was spent being a wallflower.

I can never truly tell people how I feel.
Partly cause I am scared.
My Mom and I were talking the other day and she was telling me about myself, she is one of the few that "knows" me.
She said that I am a very sad, emotional person that has no clue what to do with herself or how to express her emotions.
She is right.
I am often sad and worrying about stuff. I can never imagine letting my mother down or not protecting my little brother. I am afraid that if I let someone down they will be disappointed in me, and not like me anymore. In the end the only time I care about what people think of me is when it comes out to who I am on the inside.
People can call me fat, ugly, a whore, whatever! Those are all non-important things to me. But what a person actually thinks I'm like and my priorties that is something they will never truly know or understand.
I think very highly of myself because if I don't nobody will and people will take advantage of me. I am also 'stuck-up' because I know I deserve better and will not settle for less.

This is another reason why I don't express my emotions, because emotions are a form of weakness, and I NEVER want anyone to feel bad for me or take sympathy on me.
It scares me to say, I love you, and to show someone that I actually love them.
The only person other than family that I say "I love you" too, face-to-face in person and mean it whole heartedly is Di, and I have even talked about her in a manner unbecoming of a young lady.

I'm a crappy friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, everything!
I am a compulsive liar.
I am a lonely person.
I am a ball of energy.
I am a cartoon living in a thought bubble.

I'm scared...or everything, everyone.
"I never meant to hurt you, never meant to make you cry, but I got to say what's on my mind"

Silent Nights

I really can't wait to die.
I think it would be an amazing experience that I can't wait to have it!
I want to know what it's like to be extremely serene and comfortable with myself.

I want to see how my life has affected the lives of those I have been close with.
My family, my friends, those why are gone now, those who had hurt me and I left behind.
Not one day goes by that I don't think about Doggy, or Sonny.
I constantly think about the men I have lost and cry my eyes out.
I have made so many mistakes, and I want to repent for all of them.
I have not always made the best choices, but most of them benifted me and my life at the moment.
I'm just a very emotional person who does not yet know how to deal with her overly complex ego.

I get very jealous too.
I don't like being left out or hated.
I always, always! Try to include everyone, so when people don't include me it hurts very badly.
When people are mean to me or say a rude remark, it stays with me for weeks, even months.
On New Years eve I chose to stay home alone, my friends invited me to go out and I wanted to but deep down I knew I shouldn't.
So I made up an excuse that my mom didn't want me to go.
It turns out that people got overly drunk at the party and I am happy that I did not go because I would not have been comfortable, since last time I had hung out with them I drank TOO much and made a fool of myself.
And that night a "friend" sent me a few rude comments that cut deep, it was mainly due to them being drunk that they said them, but never the less they hurt.
Then my prince in shining armor, came and took me away.
He gave me my new years kiss and we partied till the sun came up, in a non-alcoholic, all vegan party.

In the end, people should bite their tongue and always apologize. I always apologize for my mistakes and I believe I deserve their apologize as well.
I hold grudges, yes! I will never let anyone treat me in a manner I do not deserve and I will NEVER forget what they said.
I am a lady, therefore I apologize and forgive, but I never forget.

People hurt each other without meaning too, but apologize, hugs, and 'I'm sorry's" always make it better.

I like to be around creative people with very strong personalities and different beliefs systems from my own.
I learn a lot from them, and am constantly inspired and feed off of their energy.
They're beautiful.

I like to be alone while I am creating something because I can see it transform and new and better ideas come to me as I am doing so.
But I also liek creative people to be close by so I can ask their opinion and see the feeling they get from the garment.

Music is also good in the creative process.
Cause it helps put emotion into the piece.

Out of Tune, Out of Style, NOT EVEN ALIVE!

So, I have decided I would write here.
I am gonna write about everything and anything that pops into my mind, random shit, important stuff...EVERYTHING!

As of lately I feel like everyone around me is falling to their knees to abuse.
Be it alcohol abuse, drug abuse, or straight up just abuse!
None of them are going anywhere.
They are just sitting on their asses decomposing waiting for their life to change.
But it is not possible for change to happen when there is nothing pushing for a difference.

I like fashion, I like music, I like being a woman in a mans world!
and I am alone.
None of my friends, except for one, know what I mean by this.
Either I'm a strange fashion person who like music waayyyy too much, or a 'fake' music fanatic cause I like fashion.
I'm not like these other stupid girls that say they like fashion, I actually know what I am talking about!

I want to change the world and affect it in a positive way.
I want to change the perception of beauty and make it socially acceptable to be weird and corky.
I want to be accepted by all and judged by none.
I want to leave something behind when I die, why is it that my close friends don't?

Fashion is NOT a joke.
It takes months of preparation, mind reading, fashion forecasts, bilions of dollars, hundreds of minds, and countless of hours of blood sweat and tears to create a work of art... an article of clothing.
I am not a seamstress! I am an asrtist! An imagineer! I will have the power to control society, emotions, feelings, and desires, what will your power be?