nanananananana

I feel like kicking someones ass today. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm bored and I want to go for a walk, but I kinda cant, cause it's cold and I don't own any pants >_<
Fuck.
But yeah, I want to go on a walk in the rain just with pants and I don't have any, only dresses and now I'm getting kinda grumpy for the fact that I should be reading about christian churches and their art and I'm just like eghhh, do I REALLLLYY need to know this. Religious art is not something I am going to be inspired by, maybe by Jesus being crucified on the cross, but that's about it. I dunno, I'm in a grumpy mood I guess...actually I know I am.
I feel like I'm all over the place and just need to center my thoughts.
Too many thoughts...I'm thinking about Trevor, about my halloween costume, about why my tummy has been fucked up, my homework, my dress, my cafd class, and for the fact that I have these fat ass hickies on my neck and don't want my family to see them. Shit, if I didn't live at home, i've be proudly showing them off...but I don't think my mom would like to see them.

Anywaysssss. I went on a 'walk' with my bf yesterday in the park and there were bats!! Like flying around, it was so romantic, I was awe struck, what else can a creepy gal like me ask for, oh yeah and there was an uber cute guy by my side too. That also made it pretty great. hmmm, I should get back to work now.

Love love love love love lovvveee

So I just found out that my ex is back with his girlfriend. I don't know if that is one of the major key factors as to why we ended up breaking up but I yeah...I'm sitting here in Starbucks with Allisha, we're both on our laptops and I found this shit out. I was grumpy...then a bit sad, but now I'm over it. But hey it's for the better. I knew he still loved his ex and am glad he is going to be back with her cause that is better for him, and his life. I'm glad and hope he will have a happy life with her.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. But I feel like I need to put my feelings down on a public forum.
Oh well! "boy's will come and boys will go, just like street cars!!!!"

Content and Happy

I have an amazing family, even though I have no father. I have an amazing job, even though I make a bit over minimum wage. And I have a great boyfriend, even though he's waiting for me in a different city.
I've realized to appreciate the silly little things in life. Such as dancing on the beach, sleeping in the woods, or walking after midnight with a dear friend. I've learned that no matter what happens there will always be people there to pick me up from wherever I have fallen. I'm ready to start new, someplace where I can make a name for myself and challenge myself. I'm not happy in a place, or even in a relationship, where everything is perfect and happy. I'm a fighter and I need to constantly be moving and have something to do to feel 'normal'. I need to have people around me that are ready to move, and go with it.

Another funny little thing that people have been finding out about me...I smoke! Not drugs of course, I don't very much like drugs, but cigarettes. I love how people are amazed and astonished when I pull a cigarette out and light it, hahah, the look on their face is priceless.
We all have our poisons, and mine happen to be cigarettes and vodka, yum...

Should I stay or should I go?

It's so hard NOT to be an alcoholic or a whore in a place like this.
There are no museums, no good parks, no interesting people, and no good parties.
I waited to graduate high school so I could be me and hang out with all my friends, now that I have I've found that money is a huge issue, and when it's not money it's transportation.
I feel I've outgrown, and outlived my life here in the Bay Area. My last name is Martinez, I was born in Martinez, and have lived my whole life in Martinez, it's time to spread my wings and fly.
I've met so many countless and beautiful people here, be it at shows, or at school. And I am very blessed to have them in my life. But I know if I don't leave now...or soon that I will be a 20 year old college graduate living at home, and that's not the life I want.
Plus, even though L.A. Fashion isn't my cup of tea, at least there are more desingers and opportunities to intern there.
My decision is not yet set, but I am 75% sure I want to transfer to one of the Southern California campuses.

Love will tear us apart.

When I'm in bed, and about to go to sleep I always think about my day, my life, or just random things that have happened to me.
I couple nights ago I was thinking about my Dad, the fact that the guy I like asked me about him kinda made me think about him.
It has now been over a year since I have seen him, and I don't know if I will ever see him again.
I started to become sad because I remembered all the fun times we had as a family when I was a kid. All the fun camping trips, snow trips, just all the fun things we did in general. I was a Daddy's girl, I did everything with my Dad and I loved him with all my heart. I find myself talking with my Mom about all the great things we did as a family together and how it all ended.

My Dad was there when I graduated high school, although I didn't know it he was there watching me. Then after when I was laughing with my friends and taking photos with my family he came over ang hugged me, completely breaking me down till I was uncontrollably crying.
That was the last time I saw him. He will always be my father, and he will always be married to my Mom...and I know that one day when I'm older my parents will get back together, because after all they DO love each other even after all that happened.

The Fear

Lately the fear has been getting to me.
I don't know what to do.
For those of you who do not know, 'the fear' is what I call my feelings.
They are a roller coaster of emotions that take over, and every once in a while they drive me up the wall insane.

Lately, as none of you know, my dream in life is to be a housewife.
I want to be married, live in a tiny cozy shack with the man of my dreams and start my life.
While he's out, I would make clothes and designs and when he got home we would have dinner together and go on walks at night.
Talk till we have nothing more to talk about.
I think I want this to have some stability in life. I don't feel like I have a good foothold on life at the moment. It is way to unpredictable, and for once in my life, I don't want that.
I have never truly embraced my femininity. I have always been a tom boy or a little goth girl.
But for the past while, a year or two, I have worn nothing but dresses and I now over 1/2 of my closet is all vintage dresses from the 30's-60's further making me want to have the american dream.

I just want to live a simple life.
With a simple man.
And live in a house with our simple pets.
And simply feel love and adored.

Addict

It takes me a good 15 minutes to end a compulsive feeling.
Like I'm sitting somewhere, be it in my house, the park, or my favorite cafe and I'm like 'Shit, I really want to hang out with ______". But I know I should not, be it because last time we hung out something went down, or someone did.
I HAVE AN ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY!
Be it I will only eat garnola and yogurt for a week.
I will not stop after five drinks.
I can never smoke just one cigarette.
I can never do just one sketch.
I will never buy just one dress.

My name is Angelica and I am addicted to love.