The Fear

Lately the fear has been getting to me.
I don't know what to do.
For those of you who do not know, 'the fear' is what I call my feelings.
They are a roller coaster of emotions that take over, and every once in a while they drive me up the wall insane.

Lately, as none of you know, my dream in life is to be a housewife.
I want to be married, live in a tiny cozy shack with the man of my dreams and start my life.
While he's out, I would make clothes and designs and when he got home we would have dinner together and go on walks at night.
Talk till we have nothing more to talk about.
I think I want this to have some stability in life. I don't feel like I have a good foothold on life at the moment. It is way to unpredictable, and for once in my life, I don't want that.
I have never truly embraced my femininity. I have always been a tom boy or a little goth girl.
But for the past while, a year or two, I have worn nothing but dresses and I now over 1/2 of my closet is all vintage dresses from the 30's-60's further making me want to have the american dream.

I just want to live a simple life.
With a simple man.
And live in a house with our simple pets.
And simply feel love and adored.

Addict

It takes me a good 15 minutes to end a compulsive feeling.
Like I'm sitting somewhere, be it in my house, the park, or my favorite cafe and I'm like 'Shit, I really want to hang out with ______". But I know I should not, be it because last time we hung out something went down, or someone did.
I HAVE AN ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY!
Be it I will only eat garnola and yogurt for a week.
I will not stop after five drinks.
I can never smoke just one cigarette.
I can never do just one sketch.
I will never buy just one dress.

My name is Angelica and I am addicted to love.

It's All That You Can Do

I depend on others too much.
Words can be said, but proving them to be correct is the hard part.
I don’t have the will power to let you go.

I remember listening to ‘Be Yourself’ by Audioslave in junior high, those were the worse years of my life.
I was made fun of, teased, and I just wanted to die.
The people I thought were my friends teased me, about anything and everything.

“To be yourself is all that you can do”

That was my mantra.
The other day I heard that song and tears just started flowing, and I couldn’t stop.
The emotions of my younger years came back.
I remember looking up at the beautiful people, the musicians and artists…and wishing I was one of them.
I never really fit in, or had a place…I still feel like I don’t.
I’m a fashion design student, who listen to metal, punk, and doo-wop. I wear granny cardigans that I find at goodwill, wear vintage dresses from the 40’s while wearing a leather studded jacket and oxford shoes.

I don’t fit in and I don’t try to stick out.

Deep down I still cry and feel bad that I don’t fit in or look like everyone else.
I have yet to find a companion who loves me for who I am, and I doubt I ever will. I’m more complicated than anyone could ever imagine and more woman than any man can handle.


(Photo from a week ago. After a long night.)

People are strange

I love hearing songs that makes you curl your toes and gives you that tingly feeling going up your back.
Music that can change your mood and provoke a feeling is so special.
Only dark music can do that.
Only the truly lost and misunderstood could ever understand this feeling.
Only they have ever experienced it and can say without a doubt "I know what you mean".
You know you meet an individual like this because when you mention it to them they get a wicked grin and a twinkle in their eye.

Ocean

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Hold on there buddy!!
WHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAT IN THE WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRLLLLLLLLLDDDDD!
*PAUSE*

Life is moving wayy to fast. I can't get a steady foothold and feel like I'm going to crash!
It's one of those times I want to choke myself in order to just pass out.
I'm listening to Sonny and his music seems to be numbing enough to be able to write this.
I have to stop every few seconds and get myself in check though.
I'm like involunatrily convulsing.
Too many thoughts, ideas, and feelings in my head.
I swear, why do I have to be sooo complicated?
I know of no one else who deals with life the way I do. It's so strange, when I feel bad, I just dance, crank up the music, and ignore everything.
Is it pain, heartache, over-work, longing, missing?
Someone take me up to the hill, late at night, crank up the music and dance around the fire until the sun comes up.
COM-PLI-CAT-ED!

"Brings me to my knees, brings me closer"

Jeez. I just want to go to hippie hill and lie in the grass, smoke my cigarettes, and drink myself to sleep.
Drinking doesn't make me nubm, it makes me normal, it calms me down.
I am wayy to hyperactive of a person, and at any moment of any day at every second, my mind is going 1,000,000,000 miles a minute.

When I'm with my love it goes twice as fast as normal, and she knows it...I think it scares her.
And when I'm with my lust, it slows me down to a vegitated state.
...I swear...extremes...I'm extremes.

tada!

Goodness Gosh!
No one, except for a few other ladies and gentleman, know how much I truly miss FIDM! I could never have imagined that I would actually miss going to school, I miss being busy, having a lack of sleep, waking up before the crack of down, and coming home when it's dark.
Every quarter I feel more and more blessed to be able to go to FIDM, and to have gained the friendships I know have. Everyone, the students, the teachers, the atmosphere, it is all amazing.

This whole break so far I have been re-inventing myself without evern realizing it.
I have taken out my plugs, have cut a large majority of my hair off, whitenend my teeth, re-done my eyebrows, and have gotten a completey new wardrobe!
This 'change' is long over due.
I am so happy right now, words cannot even describe.
A large majority of the mornings I wake up, drive down to the Marina (Yes! I AM DRIVING!), and go on a long walk.
I then come home, get dressed and clean the house. After that I watch Bewitched and I Dream of Jennie after which I take my two doggies on a walk.
This may not sound like a lot, put after a long day I feel very fulfilled.
I am re-thinking the idea of being a housewife and getting married.
I have never wanted to be a housewife and I sure as hell have never wanted to get married, but lately I have been considering it and even had a long conversation with min kjaere about it.
He believe is is the fact that I have grown up and am getting my priorities straight that it is only a part of life that my opinions on certain situations change.
He's a sweetheart, if only I loved him like he says he loves me.
I would marry him in a heartbeat! But as I well know, I already know who the love of my life is, and I will not settle for anyone but him.

I am currently also re-reading 'Cheap Diamonds' and amazing book that I always love to read.
Oh! And I also hav a job interview tomorrow! It's at the Union Square Macy's! How exciting! That Macy's is so beautiful and grand, I know I would enjoy working there, hopefully they hire me and I can have a steady job :)
Goodness knows I need the money, and maybe, just maybe, if I work full time this whole break I can save up enough money for a down payment for an apartment in the city.
haha, I girl can dream can't she!
I will know end this blog with a few pictures I took this past week.

Toodles!
Annie

Oh Lordy Lordy!!

Sometimes I find it so hard to try and ignore people!
Their ignorance and not understanding of a situation angers me because they insist that what they say is true when they know nothing of the situation.
oh lord!
I try not to judge people when I don't know them, and I don't make assumptions on things I do not know about. I have not always been like this but once I was faced with a multitude of people that live like this I knew I had to make a change.
I do not want to be ignorant or self-absorbed. No one will ever know how someone else feels in a situation unless they themselves have been through it, and that is why I no longer judge people.

I forgive and accept people apologizes when I recieve then because that is what a well mannered young lady does. I have finally realized what kind of woman I want to be and am making the right decisions. As a child I took etiquette lessons and HATED them, but now I am glad I took them because I know a handful of little tid-bits that make me a better person. I also apologize to others when I have done something wrong because I do not want to be known as a rude or mean person, because I am not.
I like people to come to me when there is a problem or when a situation has risen because that is what I do, it may take me a bit of time to put myself together so that I don't say things I will later regret, but I always confront people.

Lately I have felt very happy and content with my life.