Que Sera, Sera...

Algunas vesas la vida me mata. Y unas vesas mi vida es una cosa muy linda.

Otra ves

I don't have much to say, actually I have nothing to say. I have a lot of feelings, I lot of hurt, and a whole lot of experience in this field. I love men, I love to hate them, I love every single piece of them, and they kill me. I love living the life of a couple, love belonging with one other person and being that other persons everything. But everytime I try to get close I end up falling apart, everytime. They always leave so what the fuck is the point of even getting close to another person? If they always leave. Other things always become more important then when it's over, oh hey, you're still here? I guess I'm not mature enough yet to handle all this, I don't think I ever was. Now my true teenager comes out. If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. Just call me Annie, the modern day Coco, and Marilyn reincarnated.

I love listening to a song that takes me back to a moment in time and I feel all those same feelings I felt at that age. I was just listenbing to Good Charlottes' "The Chronicles of Life and Death" and I still remember every lyric, the feeling I felt when I first heard that song and how much I hatet being a kid and my life. They were one of those bands that opened up my eyes after I tried the whole 'fitting in' stage and fuck, they are sure one of the bands I have to thank for becoming who I am today...them and a few selected others.
I never thought I'd be here, live this long, and be this 'grown up'.

Take me Away

I'm such a wreck. I can't help myself. I thought that once I grew up I would stop feeling this way, but it turns out, no, I'm still a mess. People can judge and criticize, they don't listen and they don't see. No one will ever experience the same things as you, therefor I don't expect anyone to ever understand me, I just want people to accept me.


I'm all ears, with open arms. Whenever my friends, Mom, brother and sister, whenever anyone, even strangers want to talkk I listen and give advice. My friends that are woman ask me for advice almost daily and I give it, even if I'm not the most experienced I know much about matters of the heart. I sit and listen, because that's what I would want someone to do for me. And when I need someone most no one is there. If someone asks me "What's wrong?", I'm not going to tell them because the little voice at the back of my head is yelling "THEY DON'T CARE! Once you tell them they're going to use it against you. They'll make fun of you!". People need to be firm with me, and the only person I'm ever honest with is my bff Diana, and then my Mom, they know how to handle me. They make me tell them, and that's what I need. I need to feel vulnerable in order to tell the truth. I need people to make me share, to hold me close and be true.
I have the tough girl exterior but I'm as soft as a marshmallow.Just today I counseled three other woman, two clsoe friends and my Mother. I listened to what they had to say, tried to advise them on what to do, etc. Then once I tried to talk to them about how I felt, I was shot down and they proceeded to talk about random things, instead of asking me how I was doing when I clearly showed an expression to talk.
I don't have anyone to talk to , so I just write everything down. I'm a vulnerable person, all I want to be is loved. I want to get lost and runaway, have no feeling or pain, just leave. I can't help but cry as I'm writing this. I just feel absolutely horrid and for many different reasons.
I got into an arguement with a rude boy yesterday, I have no respect for ANY man who raises his voice in front of a woman or talks to them maliciously. The woman to whom he is speaking to may not say anything due to fear, but I will be damned if I don't say something. I don't do this because I feel the need to pick a fight, I do this because that woman has no voice, and someone needs to speak up for her, if she doesn't herself then I will. And today I got into another arguement,malicious things told to me for no real reason, and all I could do was give her a taste of her own medicine. I then had to wait an hour in the rain at BART. Came home and there was 'no food' to make myself dinner due to the fact that all the vegetables were used to make the meat dishes. So I went to the gas station and bought some sunflower seeds. I told my Mom I was going to order a pizza and she said no, that i'd have to order some for everyone and go pick it up when she refused me from taking the car and nobody wanted to drive me, so I'm hungry, crying, my nose is bleeding, and I'm cold. Take me Away.

Better

I've been feeling a whole lot better after the dreadful week I had. Sometimes people in my life are just so over powering that it's hard for me to get a word in and I just let them take control, something I love! But then I just become someone they think is always there for them, I'm not someones mother, I'm not a kid, and I'm not an adult.
It's just kinda scary the way people go through life and the ordeals we go through to find that one perfect person we are told that are out there for us. I find it strange that we search blindly for someone, and something, that we don't really know exists, or ever existed.
I don't know what I want in life, not career wise, not in my love life, not in my personal life, not in nothing.
I'm a 19 year old with the heart of a widow, mind of a infant, bank account of a bum, and the dreams of a child. I've got nothing to prove but everything to gain.

nanananananana

I feel like kicking someones ass today. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm bored and I want to go for a walk, but I kinda cant, cause it's cold and I don't own any pants >_<
Fuck.
But yeah, I want to go on a walk in the rain just with pants and I don't have any, only dresses and now I'm getting kinda grumpy for the fact that I should be reading about christian churches and their art and I'm just like eghhh, do I REALLLLYY need to know this. Religious art is not something I am going to be inspired by, maybe by Jesus being crucified on the cross, but that's about it. I dunno, I'm in a grumpy mood I guess...actually I know I am.
I feel like I'm all over the place and just need to center my thoughts.
Too many thoughts...I'm thinking about Trevor, about my halloween costume, about why my tummy has been fucked up, my homework, my dress, my cafd class, and for the fact that I have these fat ass hickies on my neck and don't want my family to see them. Shit, if I didn't live at home, i've be proudly showing them off...but I don't think my mom would like to see them.

Anywaysssss. I went on a 'walk' with my bf yesterday in the park and there were bats!! Like flying around, it was so romantic, I was awe struck, what else can a creepy gal like me ask for, oh yeah and there was an uber cute guy by my side too. That also made it pretty great. hmmm, I should get back to work now.

Love love love love love lovvveee

So I just found out that my ex is back with his girlfriend. I don't know if that is one of the major key factors as to why we ended up breaking up but I yeah...I'm sitting here in Starbucks with Allisha, we're both on our laptops and I found this shit out. I was grumpy...then a bit sad, but now I'm over it. But hey it's for the better. I knew he still loved his ex and am glad he is going to be back with her cause that is better for him, and his life. I'm glad and hope he will have a happy life with her.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. But I feel like I need to put my feelings down on a public forum.
Oh well! "boy's will come and boys will go, just like street cars!!!!"