The Fear

Lately the fear has been getting to me.
I don't know what to do.
For those of you who do not know, 'the fear' is what I call my feelings.
They are a roller coaster of emotions that take over, and every once in a while they drive me up the wall insane.

Lately, as none of you know, my dream in life is to be a housewife.
I want to be married, live in a tiny cozy shack with the man of my dreams and start my life.
While he's out, I would make clothes and designs and when he got home we would have dinner together and go on walks at night.
Talk till we have nothing more to talk about.
I think I want this to have some stability in life. I don't feel like I have a good foothold on life at the moment. It is way to unpredictable, and for once in my life, I don't want that.
I have never truly embraced my femininity. I have always been a tom boy or a little goth girl.
But for the past while, a year or two, I have worn nothing but dresses and I now over 1/2 of my closet is all vintage dresses from the 30's-60's further making me want to have the american dream.

I just want to live a simple life.
With a simple man.
And live in a house with our simple pets.
And simply feel love and adored.

Addict

It takes me a good 15 minutes to end a compulsive feeling.
Like I'm sitting somewhere, be it in my house, the park, or my favorite cafe and I'm like 'Shit, I really want to hang out with ______". But I know I should not, be it because last time we hung out something went down, or someone did.
I HAVE AN ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY!
Be it I will only eat garnola and yogurt for a week.
I will not stop after five drinks.
I can never smoke just one cigarette.
I can never do just one sketch.
I will never buy just one dress.

My name is Angelica and I am addicted to love.

It's All That You Can Do

I depend on others too much.
Words can be said, but proving them to be correct is the hard part.
I don’t have the will power to let you go.

I remember listening to ‘Be Yourself’ by Audioslave in junior high, those were the worse years of my life.
I was made fun of, teased, and I just wanted to die.
The people I thought were my friends teased me, about anything and everything.

“To be yourself is all that you can do”

That was my mantra.
The other day I heard that song and tears just started flowing, and I couldn’t stop.
The emotions of my younger years came back.
I remember looking up at the beautiful people, the musicians and artists…and wishing I was one of them.
I never really fit in, or had a place…I still feel like I don’t.
I’m a fashion design student, who listen to metal, punk, and doo-wop. I wear granny cardigans that I find at goodwill, wear vintage dresses from the 40’s while wearing a leather studded jacket and oxford shoes.

I don’t fit in and I don’t try to stick out.

Deep down I still cry and feel bad that I don’t fit in or look like everyone else.
I have yet to find a companion who loves me for who I am, and I doubt I ever will. I’m more complicated than anyone could ever imagine and more woman than any man can handle.


(Photo from a week ago. After a long night.)

People are strange

I love hearing songs that makes you curl your toes and gives you that tingly feeling going up your back.
Music that can change your mood and provoke a feeling is so special.
Only dark music can do that.
Only the truly lost and misunderstood could ever understand this feeling.
Only they have ever experienced it and can say without a doubt "I know what you mean".
You know you meet an individual like this because when you mention it to them they get a wicked grin and a twinkle in their eye.

Ocean

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Hold on there buddy!!
WHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAT IN THE WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRLLLLLLLLLDDDDD!
*PAUSE*

Life is moving wayy to fast. I can't get a steady foothold and feel like I'm going to crash!
It's one of those times I want to choke myself in order to just pass out.
I'm listening to Sonny and his music seems to be numbing enough to be able to write this.
I have to stop every few seconds and get myself in check though.
I'm like involunatrily convulsing.
Too many thoughts, ideas, and feelings in my head.
I swear, why do I have to be sooo complicated?
I know of no one else who deals with life the way I do. It's so strange, when I feel bad, I just dance, crank up the music, and ignore everything.
Is it pain, heartache, over-work, longing, missing?
Someone take me up to the hill, late at night, crank up the music and dance around the fire until the sun comes up.
COM-PLI-CAT-ED!

"Brings me to my knees, brings me closer"

Jeez. I just want to go to hippie hill and lie in the grass, smoke my cigarettes, and drink myself to sleep.
Drinking doesn't make me nubm, it makes me normal, it calms me down.
I am wayy to hyperactive of a person, and at any moment of any day at every second, my mind is going 1,000,000,000 miles a minute.

When I'm with my love it goes twice as fast as normal, and she knows it...I think it scares her.
And when I'm with my lust, it slows me down to a vegitated state.
...I swear...extremes...I'm extremes.